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STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


Stones  That  Take 


Compiled  by 
GRENVILLE  KLEISER 


For  the  Exclusive  Use  of  Grenville  Kleiser*s 
Mail  Course  Students 


FUNK  &  WAGNALLS  COMPANY 

NEW  YORK  AND  LONDON 


Copyright,  1910,  pt 

FUNK  &  WAGNALLS  COMPANY 

Printed  in  the  United  States  of  Americc 


mm 

URC 


PREFACE 

It  is  said  that  Chauneey  M.  Depew,  who  for 
years  was  one  of  the  most  successful  after- 
dinner  speakers,  has  had  a  regular  set  of  scrap- 
books,  marked  "Politics,"  "Lawyers,"  "Edu- 
cation," "Religion,"  "Women,"  "Patriot- 
ism," and  other  subjects.  In  these  books  his 
secretary  classified  various  stories  and  other 
material  gathered  from  time  to  time,  so  that, 
when  Mr.  Depew  wished  to  prepare  an  after- 
dinner  address,  he  simply  called  for  one  of 
these  books,  selected  such  stories  as  lie  thor  ht 
most  appropriate,  and  shortly  afterward  his 
speech  was  ready  for  delivery. 

The  funny  stories  of  all  time  are  classified 
as  belonging  to  twenty-three  original  varieties : 
(1)  Childhood;  (2)  schools;  (3)  summer  re- 
sorts; (4)  courtship;  (5)  the  newly-wed;  (6) 
the  mother-in-law;  (7)  fishing;  (8)  the  doc- 
tor; (9)  the  lawyer;  (10)  the  preacher;  (11) 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


the  actor;  (12)  the  politician;  (13)  the 
farmer;  (11)  dialects;  (15)  the  tramp;  (16) 
the  book  agent;  (17)  the  old  maid;  (18)  the 
restaurant;  (19)  the  weather;  (20)  the  um- 
brella; (21)  the  salesman;  (22)  the  auto- 
mobile; (23)  divorce. 

Successful  story-telling,  like  everjiihing 
else,  can  be  acquired  only  through  practise. 
The  student  should  begin  with  simple  efforts., 
A  New  York  physician  recently  prescribed  for 
a  nervous  business  man  that  he  should  tell  two 
funny  stories  at  dinner  every  evening.  This 
suggestion  might  profitably  be  followed  by 
any  one  desirous  of  learning  the  art  of  suc- 
cessful story-telling. 

The  model  after-dinner  speaker,  when  he 
tells  a  story,  does  so  without  self -conscious- 
ness. He  has  his  story  at  the  tip  of  his 
tongue,  and  allows  it  to  "slide  off"  at  the 
psychological  moment.  There  is  no  hesita- 
tion, no  lapse  of  memory,  no  feeble  apology, 
nor  in  his  voice  and  manner  is  there  the 
slightest  hint  of  premeditation.    He  does  not 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


say,  '^I  suppose  you  have  all  heard  this 
story  before,"  "I  am  really  very  sorry  to 
inflict  this  upon  you,"  "You'll  excuse  me 
for  repeating  this,"  "I'm  not  good  at  telling 
stories,  but  I'll  do  the  best  I  can."  He 
relishes  the  story  along  with  his  hearers,  no 
matter  how  many  times  he  has  told  it  before, 
and  at  its  close  joins  freely  in  the  hearty 
laugh  which  follows. 

Then  when  one  stands  before  an  audience 
let  him  bear  in  mind  the  words  of  Cowper: 

**A  tale  should  be  judicious,  clear,  succinct. 
The    language    plain,    the    incidents    well 

linked ; 
Tell  not  as  new  what  everybody  knows ; 
And,  new  or  old,  still  hasten  to  a  close." 


Grenville  Kleiser. 


▼u 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 

When  I  observed  a  previous  speaker  taking 
a  glass  of  water,  I  was  reminded  of  an  inci- 
dent that  happened  in  the  New  York  Legisla- 
ture. A  member  had  been  speaking  on  a  cer- 
tain bill  for  more  than  an  hour,  much  to  the 
discomfort  of  his  hearers,  when  he  called  for 
a  glass  of  water  and  started  off  afresh. 
Another  member  on  the  other  side  was  on  his 
feet  in  a  jiffy  and  said:  ''Mr.  Speaker,  I  rise 
to  a  point  of  order."  "State  your  point 
of  order,"  responded  the  Speaker.  "Mr. 
Speaker,"  said  the  objecting  member,  "I 
make  the  point  of  order  against  the  member 
from  Schoharie  County  that  it  is  out  of  order 
to  run  a  windmill  with  water. ' ' 

In  standing  to  speak  to  you  to-night,  I  am 
reminded  of  the  story  of  the  cattle  rustler. 
Old  Bill  had  been  mavericking  the  stockmen 's 
11 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


cattle  as  long  as  they  would  stand  for  it,  and 
a  vigilance  committee  called  him  out  one  dark 
night  and  put  a  rope  around  his  neck  and 
asked  him  if  he  had  anything  to  say  before 
they  pulled  him  up.  He  paused  a  moment  and 
then  said  quietly : 

''Well,  gents,  I  s'pose  I've  got  more  interest 
in  this  performance  than  any  other  gent 
present,  but  I  am  the  least  enthusiastic  over 
the  program." 

I  am  thinking  of  a  story  that  Lord  Aber- 
deen tells  about  himself.  He  arrived  at  a 
certain  country  railway  station,  where  he  was 
expecting  a  telegram.  "I  went  up  to  the 
nearest  porter, ' '  said  he,  ' '  and  asked  him  if  he 
would  mind  inquiring  at  the  station  master's 
office  whether  there  was  a  telegram  for  me. ' ' 

*'  'There's  none  for  you,  sir,'  replied  the 
porter.  'I've  just  come  out  of  the  office  and 
there's  only  one  telegram  there,  and  that's 
for  Lord  Aberdeen,' 

"Just  then  another  porter  who  knew  me 
12 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


approached,  and  I  explained  the  position  to 
him,  remarking  jocularly  that  the  first  porter 
evidently  did  not  think  I  looked  the  part. 

''By  way  of  consoling  me,  he  promptly  re- 
plied: 'Never  mind,  my  lord;  if  you  don't 
look  it,  you  feel  it ! '  " 

The  toastmaster  in  calling  upon  me  has 
doubtless  acted  from  the  same  motives  that 
actuated  a  newly-fledged  dentist  who,  when 
his  first  patient  applied,  determined  to  exer- 
cise all  that  genius  and  understanding  which 
Boston  men  generally  exercise  in  the  practise 
of  their  profession.  The  patient,  coming 
from  the  country,  told  him  he  wanted  two 
back  teeth,  which  he  pointed  out  to  him, 
pulled.  The  dentist  placed  him  in  a  chair, 
and  in  a  few  moments  he  had  pulled  out  his 
two  front  teeth.  The  patient  left  the  chair, 
and  it  occurred  to  him  that  the  circumstance 
might  be  deemed  of  sufficient  importance  to 
call  the  dentist's  attention  to  it.  He  said, 
* '  I  told  you  to  pull  out  these  two  back  teeth. ' ' 
13 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


*'Yes,"  said  the  dentist,  ''so  you  did;  but  I 
found  that  the  front  ones  were  kind  of  handier 
to  get  at." 

The  argument  we  have  just  been  listening 
to  recalls  the  story  of  the  man  out  West  who 
was  giving  a  lecture  in  a  saloon.  His  subject 
was  the  controversy  about  Shakespeare  and 
who  wrote  his  plays.  Incidentally,  he  recited 
* '  The  Boy  Stood  on  the  Burning  Deck, ' '  which 
he  said  was  from  Shakespeare's  *' Othello." 

*' Nothing  of  the  kind!"  interrupted  a  man 
in  the  crowd.  *'I'm  from  Boston,  and  Shake- 
speare didn't  write  that  piece." 

*' Friend,"  said  the  lecturer,  *'I  can  con- 
vince you  that  he  done  so. ' ' 

''Convince  all  you  like,  then,"  replied  the 
other  man. 

There  was  a  sudden  scramble,  and  in  a 
moment  the  interrupter  was  pinned  to  the 
floor  by  the  lecturer. 

"Who  writ  the  piece?"  he  shouted,  as  he 
held  his  man  down. 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


''Shakespeare/'  came  the  feeble  response. 

''Are  you  quite  sure?" 

' '  Yes,  yes ;  I  'm  very  sure ;  I  seen  him  do  it ! " 

In  court  the  other  clay,  a  lawyer  turned  to 
the  opposing  counsel  and  said  angrily:  "You 
are  the  biggest  idiot  I  ever  saw  in  all  my 
life ! ' '  whereupon  the  judge  gravely  remarked : 
''Silence,  sir.  Please  do  not  forget  that  I 
am  present." 

A  young  man  speaking  for  the  first  time  in 
public,  began  in  this  style: 

"Ladies  and  g-g-gentlemen :  When  I-I-I 
came  here  to-night,  only  t-t-two  people  knew 
my  speech,  my  f-f-father  and  m-m-myself. 
N-n-now  only  f-f-father  knows  it ! " 

"Doctor,"  asked  a  patient,  "I  am  feeling 
much  better  now,  and  I  want  you  to  let  me 
have  your  bill."  "Nonsense,  sir,"  said  the 
physician;  "do  be  calm;  you  are  not  strong 
enough  for  that  yet!" 
15 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


I  do  not  think  men  are  as  thoughtful  toward 
their  wives  as  they  should  be.  The  other  eve- 
ning I  was  sitting  in  a  street-car,  during  a 
heavy  rainstorm,  and  heard  one  man  say  to 
another:  "How  do  you  like  this  weather?" 
"Horrible!"  said  the  other.  "How's  your 
wife?"  "Oh,  just  about  the  same!"  And 
the  very  next  night  that  man  went  home  to 
his  wife  and  said :  ' '  Well,  dear,  I  've  got  the 
sack  at  last."  "Oh,  you  angel!"  exclaimed 
his  wife  rapturously;  "the  sealskin,  or  the 
other  one  ? "    "  The  other  one, ' '  said  the  brute. 

A  man  entered  a  New  York  restaurant  the 
other  day  and  ordered  his  breakfast.  As  the 
waiter  placed  it  on  the  table,  he  remarked 
quietly : 

"It  looks  like  rain." 

"Yes,"  said  the  guest,  ''but  I  ordered 
coffee!" 

A  pessimist  is  a  man  who,  of  two  evils, 
chooses  both. 

16 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


A  speaker  had  just  reached  his  greatest 
climax,  saying:  "In  the  immortal  words  of 
Daniel  Webster,  who  wrote  the  dictionary, 
*  Give  me  liberty,  or  give  me  death ! '  " 

The  chairman  pulled  his  coat-tails  and 
whispered:  '^ Daniel  Webster  did  not  write 
the  dictionary — that  was  Noah. ' ' 

''Noah?  Nothing  of  the  kind— Noah  built 
the  ark!" 

The  story  is  told  of  an  old  w^oman  who  was 
taken  to  the  poor-house.  After  she  sat  down, 
she  looked  thoughtfully  around  her,  and  said 
quietly:  "Well,  there  is  still  much  to  be 
thankful  for.  I  have  two  teeth  left,  and  one 
is  exactly  opposite  the  other!" 

Wlien  the  pairty  who  listens  disna  ken  what 
the  pairty  wha  speaks  meens,  and  when  the 
pairty  wha  speaks  disna  ken  what  he  meens 
himsel,  that  is  metaphysics. 

Elocution  is  the  way  some  people  are  exe- 
cuted in  certaii  States, 
17 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


*  *  Opporchunity, "  says  Mr.  Dooley,  "knocks 
at  iv'ry  man's  dure  wanst.  On  some  men's 
dures  it  hammers  till  it  breaks  down  th'  dure, 
an'  thin  it  goes  in  and  wakes  him  up  if  he's 
asleep,  an'  aftherwards  it  wurruks  f  r  him  as 
a  night  wat<3hman." 

Two  professors  were  riding  iipto"wn  on  a 
Broadway  ear.  There  was  a  blockade  and 
they  decided  to  walk.  After  they  had  gone  a 
block  the  car  started  again,  when  one  pro- 
fessor said  to  the  other: 

"I  thought  we  would  get  on  better  if  we 
got  off,  but  now  I  see  we  would  have  been 
better  off  if  we  had  stayed  on." 

All  the  discussion  we  have  been  listening  to 
regarding  this  subject  makes  me  think  of  the 
patient  who  said : 

"Doctor,  is  it  absolutely  necessary  to  oper- 
ate on  me?" 

"No,"  said  the  doctor,  "but  it's  cus- 
tomary. ' ' 

18 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


An  orator  is  a  man  who  says  he  did  not  ex- 
pect to  be  called  on,  and  then  refuses  to  be 
called  off. 

'^I  hear  your  wife  is  sick;  is  it  dangerous 
she  is?" 

''Not  a  bit  of  it!  she's  too  weak  to  be  dan- 
gerous ! ' ' 

An  Irishman  was  sitting  in  a  restaurant  one 
day  and  overheard  an  Englishman  give  his 
order  as  follows : 

' '  Waiter,  bring  me  some  tomato  soup,  a  lob- 
ster, and  a  bottle  of  red  wine. ' ' 

The  Irishman,  not  to  be  outdone,  called  the 
same  waiter,  and  said  in  a  loud  voice: 

*' Waiter,  bring  me  some  pea  soup,  a  bunch 
of  lettuce,  and  a  creme  de  menthe. ' ' 

Then  the  Irishman  noticed  that  the  English- 
man had  but  one  leg,  and  leaning  over  to  him 
whispered : 

"Excuse  me,  but  would  you  mind  telling 
me  how  you  lost  your  leg  ? ' ' 
19 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


The  Englishman  looked  at  him  patronizing- 
h^  for  a  moment,  then  said: 

"Well,  my  man,  it  was  this  way.  There 
was  a  little  Irish  blood  in  my  veins,  and  it 
settled  in  my  leg:,  so  I  had  my  leg  cut  off. ' ' 

"Well,"  said  rhe  Irishman,  "it's  too  bad  it 
didn't  settle  in  your  head!" 

A  man  stept  into  a  church  while  the  sermon 
was  in  progress,  and  seated  himself  in  a  back 
pew.  After  waiting  for  fifteen  minutes,  he 
leaned  over  and  asked  the  member  sitting  in 
front  of  him,  "How  long  has  he  been  preach- 
ing?" "Why,"  said  the  member,  "I  think 
about  thirty-five  years."  "Then,"  said  the 
stranger,  "I  think  I'll  wait,  for  he  must  be 
nearly  through!" 

A  man  returned  home  late  one  night,  in  not 
the  best  condition.  When  he  reached  the  foot 
of  the  stairway,  suddenly  everj^thing  started 
to  go  round.  The  steps,  ceiling,  floor,  and 
walls  seemed  to  move  in  all  directions,  and 
20 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


finally  as  the  man  grasped  the  banisters, 
he  mumbled  out:  "My,  but  this  must  be  a 
dreadful  night  at  sea ! " 

A  woman  noticed  a  boy  walking  around  in 
the  deep  snow,  and  said  to  him,  admonishing- 
ly:  "Little  boy,  don't  you  know  that  you 
will  catch  a  dreadful  cold  doing  that?" 
"Dat's  all  right,  miss,"  said  the  boy  eagerly; 
"don't  you  fret  about  me.  I'm  one  of  the 
boys  selected  for  the  concert  at  our  school  to- 
night. I'm  to  recite  'Spartacus  to  the  Glad- 
iators,' and  I'm  just  gittin'  me  voice  hoarse!" 

A  vaudeville  performer  was  in  the  habit  of 
throwing  knives  at  a  board  before  which  he 
placed  a  very  beautiful  woman.  One  night 
she  was  ill,  and  he  was  obliged  to  have  his 
wife,  of  very  ugly  face,  take  the  regular  as- 
sistant 's  place.  He  threw  the  first  knife,  which 
grazed  her  right  ear,  when  a  boy  in  the  gal- 
lery cried  out: 

"Gee,  he  missed  her!" 
21 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


A  darky  one  day  bought  a  horse  which  he 
afterward  found  would  not  go.  He  took  it  to 
a  veterinary,  who  injected  morphine  into  the 
animal.  The  horse  bolted  down  the  street, 
while  the  astonished  negro  turned  to  the  sur- 
geon and  asked  him  what  the  charge  was. 
*'Ten  cents,"  said  he.  ''Then,"  said  the 
darky,  ''I  want  you  to  put  fifty  cents'  worth 
of  that  stuff  in  my  arm."  ''Why?"  asked 
the  doctor.  "  'Cause,"  said  the  darky,  "I'se 
got  to  ketch  dat  hoss ! ' ' 

An  Irishman  had  been  in  the  hospital  for 
several  weeks,  recovering  from  the  effects  of 
an  overdose  of  alcohol,  when  his  friend  Mike 
called  to  see  him.    Said  IMike : 

"Now  that  you're  recovering,  and  are  going 
to  be  on  your  feet  again,  Patrick,  why  don't 
you  resolve  to  give  up  the  beastly  stuff  ? ' ' 

"What's  that?"  said  Pat. 

"I  say,  now  that  you  are  on  the  road  to  re- 
covery, and  will  soon  be  well,  why  don't  you 
stop  the  habit?" 

22 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


"Repeat  that  again,  please." 

*  *  I  'm  simply  saying  that  now  that  your  life 
is  to  be  spared,  I  think  you  ought  to  give  up 
that  old  habit  of  yours  and  steer  clear  of 
drink." 

"Will  you  bend  down  closer,"  said  Patrick, 
' '  and  whisper  that  in  my  ear  ? ' ' 

"Why,  man,  what's  the  matter?  It  isn't 
deaf  you  are  from  the  effects  of  itT' 

"No,  Mike,"  said  the  patient;  "but  I've 
been  here  for  three  weeks  now  without  a  taste 
of  it,  and  the  smell  of  your  breath  is  like  a 
balmy  breeze  from  heaven ! ' ' 

Said  Casey  to  Dooley:  "Ye 're  a  har-rd 
worruker,  Dooley ;  how  many  hods  of  morther 
have  yez  carried  up  that  ladder  to-day  ? ' ' 

"Whist,  man!"  said  Dooley;  "I'm  foolin' 
the  boss.  I  've  carried  the  same  hodf ul  up  an ' 
down  all  day,  an '  he  thinks  I  'm  worrkin ! ' ' 

**What  is  this  extra  charge  for?"  asked  the 
farmer. 

23 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


"For  burning  the  gas  all  night,"  said  the 
hotel  clerk. 

"Well,"  said  the  farmer,  "didn't  I  do  as 
you  told  me  to.  Isn't  there  a  sign  over  it: 
'Don't  blow  out  the  gas?'  " 

Henry  Ward  Beecher  one  time  listened  to  a 
young  m.an  preach  a  sermon.  After  it  was 
over  he  went  up  to  the  young  clergyman  and 
asked  him  how  long  it  had  taken  him  to  write 
the  sermon. 

"Why,"  said  the  young  man,  "that  took 
me  about  a  day  to  write." 

"I  congratulate  you,"  said  Mr.  Beecher, 
' '  for  it  took  me  nearly  a  week ! ' ' 

Many  men  are  careful  not  to  commit  them- 
selves to  one  side  or  the  other,  as  the  man 
down  South  who  was  asked  for  his  opinion  on 
a  certain  subject,  replied:  "Some  say  this 
and  some  say  that  and  tuther,  but  what  I  says 
is  that  there  is  no  knowin's  and  no  tellin's, 
and  mark  my  word  I  'm  right ! ' ' 
24 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


The  demoralized  and  scattered  position  of 
the  gentleman's  arguments  on  the  other  side 
of  this  subject  makes  me  think  of  Murphy 
and  Casey.  They  were  walking  down  a  rail- 
road track,  when  a  locomotive  behind  them 
gave  a  shrill  whistle.  Murphy  stept  quickly 
to  one  side,  but  after  the  train  had  passed  he 
looked  all  around  for  Casey.  Presently  he 
found  an  arm,  then  he  saw  a  hat,  at  another 
place  he  picked  up  an  ear,  and  here  and  there 
he  found  one  part  and  another.  At  last  he 
exclaimed  aloud:  "Something  must  have 
happened  to  Casey!" 


An  old  lady  at  the  Grand  Central  depot  said 
to  one  of  the  cabmen: 

''I  want  you  to  take  me  to  my  home,  and 
will  you  please  drive  along  as  smooth  pave- 
ments as  you  can.  I  am  an  old  lady,  and  can 
not  stand  much  shaking  up." 

*'Well,  mum,"  said  he,  **no  matter  what 
your  age  is,  you  don't  look  it!" 

25 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


Some  one  has  said  that  simply  because  a  hen 
may  be  eating  tacks  is  no  sign  she  is  going  to 
lay  a  carpet. 

''What  you  say  to  me,"  said  a  smart  young 
man,  "goes  in  one  ear  and  out  the  other." 
*'0f  course,"  said  his  friend,  "nothing  in 
there  to  stop  it." 

An  announcement  was  recently  printed  as 
follows : 

"Keverend  Doctor  Smith  will  administer 
another  sermon  next  Sunday  morning,  after 
which  this  church  will  be  closed  three  weeks 
for  repairs. ' ' 

A  preacher  was  christening  a  child,  in 
which  he  extolled  George  Washington,  Lin- 
coln, Edison,  and  added  that  every  one  might 
aspire  to  be  a  great  man  like  one  of  these. 
Then  turning  to  the  parents,  he  whispered: 
"What  is  the  name  of  tlie  child?"  The  an- 
swer came  faintly:  "Mary  Ann!" 
26 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


"I've  just  come  from  St.  Louis,"  said  the 
salesman,  ' '  and  did  a  big  business.  How  much 
do  you  think?" 

"How  should  I  know?" 

"Of  course,  you  don't  know,  but  make  a 
guess." 

"Well,  I  guess  about  half." 

"Half  of  what?" 

"Why,  half  what  you  say." 

"Patrick,  do  you  like  lettuce?" 
"No,  I  don't,  and  I'm  glad  I  don't,  be- 
cause if  I  did,  I'd  be  eating  it  all  the  time 
and  I  hate  the  beastly  stuff ! ' ' 

Artemus  Ward  was  traveling  on  a  slow- 
going  Southern  road  soon  after  the  war. 
When  the  conductor  was  punching  his 
ticket  Artemus  remarked:  "Does  this  rail- 
road company  allow  passengers  to  give  it  ad- 
vice, if  they  do  so  in  respectful  manner?'* 
The  conductor  replied  in  gruff  tones  that  he 
guessed  so.  "Well,"  Artemus  went  on,  "it 
27 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


occurred  to  me  it  would  be  well  to  detach  the 
cow-catcher  from  the  front  of  the  engine  and 
hitch  it  to  the  rear  of  the  train.  For,  you 
see,  we  are  not  liable  to  overtake  a  cow,  but 
what's  to  prevent  a  cow  strolling  into  this  car 
and  biting  a  passenger?" 


A  certain  clergyman,  widely  known  and  as 
widely  honored  throughout  the  Middle  At- 
lantic States,  was  given  to  the  most  unfortu- 
nate remarks.  He  was  announcing  a  com- 
munion service  for  the  following  Sunday, 
with  confirmation  in  the  evening,  and  he  put 
it:  "The  Lord  will  be  with  us  in  the  fore- 
noon, and  the  Bishop  in  the  evening." 

At  another  time,  when  his  congregation  had 
tried  hard,  but  without  success,  to  raise  by 
contribution  a  sum  of  money  to  meet  the  in- 
terest charges  on  the  usual  mortgage,  he  an- 
nounced: ''I  need  not  say  here  how  much 
this  church  stands  in  need  of  immediate  funds. 
We  have  tried  to  obtain  this  in  the  customary 

28 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


way,  and  have  tried  honestly.     Now  we  are 
going  to  see  what  a  bazaar  will  do. ' ' 

Perhaps  his  last  faux  pas  came  in  a  sermon 
directed  against  the  very  human  fault  of 
vanity.  ' '  Llany  a  good  woman  comes  in  God 's 
house  to  show  off  her  best  clothes. ' '  Then  he 
glanced  across  the  crowded  pews  and  added: 
*'I  am  thankful,  dear  friends,  to  see  that 
none  of  you  come  here  for  so  unworthy  a 


When  the  foreign  missionary  had  concluded 
his  talk,  he  made  the  usual  appeal  for  contri- 
butions, however  small.  Coming  up  to  the 
platform  with  several  others,  a  small  boy 
mounted  to  the  level  of  the  lecturer,  and  has- 
tening toward  him,  said : 

"Please,  sir,  I  was  very  much  interested  in 
your  lecture,  and — and — " 

''Go  on,  my  little  man,"  said  the  mission- 
ary, encouragingly.  "You  want  to  help  in 
the  good  work?" 

*'Not  exactly,  sir,"  said  the  boy.  ''What  I 
29 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


want  to  know  is,  have  you  any  foreign  stamps 
you  don't  want"]" 

A  man  visiting  a  friend  in  a  neighboring 
village  heard  an  unusually  loud  noise  emanat- 
ing from  the  parsonage.  When  he  asked  the 
cause,  his  friend  replied:  ''Oh,  that  is  just 
our  minister  practising  what  he  preaches ! ' ' 

An  Irishman  walked  up  to  a  ticket  window 
and  asked:  ''Can  I  get  a  ticket  to  Philadel- 
phia?" 

The  agent  said:  "Do  you  want  a  ticket 
one  way,  or  one  that  will  take  you  there  and 
back?" 

The  Irishman  looked  at  him  suspiciously 
for  a  moment,  then  said:  "What  the  divil 
do  I  want  a  ticket  there  and  back  whin  I'm 
here  already?" 

An  orator  has  been  described  as  a  man  who 
can  talk  for  an  hour  without  stopping  to 
think  once. 

30 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


Two  politicians  occupied  the  same  bed- 
room. In  the  Senate  they  were  both  known  as. 
good  talkers.  Early  in  the  morning",  one  of 
them  complained  to  the  other  that  he  had 
taken  all  the  blanket  and  had  let  him  sleep 
on  the  floor  without  cover.  The  other  said, 
*'Why  didn't  you  speak  out  about  it?"  His 
friend  replied:  ''Well,  if  I  didn't  speak  out 
it  was  not  because  I  didn't  have  the  floor!" 

A  priest  met  Patrick  in  an  intoxicated  con- 
dition, and  said : 

' '  Why,  Patrick,  I  thought  you  were  a  teeto- 
taller." 

"I  am,  your  riverince,"  said  Patrick,  ''but 
I'm  not  a  bigoted  one." 

A  preacher  had  worked  himself  up  to  a 
pitch  of  great  earnestness,  and  said: 

"I  warn  you,  my  friends,  to  turn  from 
your  evil  ways,  for  there  will  be  weeping,  and 
wailing,  and  gnashing  of  teeth ! ' ' 
31 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


An  old  woman  at  the  back  of  the  church 
rose  from  her  seat  and  said : 

"Mr.  Preacher,  I  have  no  teeth." 

The  preacher  glared  at  her,  then  thundered 
out: 

* 'Madam,  teeth  will  be  provided!" 


One  Sunday  a  diminutive  preacher  ex- 
changed pulpits  with  the  pastor  of  one  of  our 
large  city  churches.  The  pulpit  was  unusually 
high,  and  was  reached  by  a  winding  stairway. 
He  ascended  very  slowly,  and  for  a  time  dis- 
appeared from  sight.  At  length  the  congre- 
gation saw  a  little  bald  head  raised  timidly 
above  the  pulpit,  so  that  only  the  eyes  were 
visible,  while  the  preacher  announced  his 
text  in  a  high,  squeaking  voice:  ''It  is  I,  be 
not  afraid!" 


The  two  humorists   and    authors.  Bill  Nye 
and  James  "Whitcomb  Riley,  were  themselves 
32 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


fond  of  a  good  joke.  They  were  traveling 
one  time,  seated  in  a  smoking-car,  when  an  old 
farmer  approached  Mr.  Nye  and  said : 

'*Are  you  Mr.  Riley?" 

**No,  I'm  not.    Mr.  Riley  is  over  there." 

* '  I  knew  his  father. ' ' 

*'Well,  there  he  is,  but  he  is  deaf.  You  will 
have  to  speak  very  loud  if  you  want  him  to 
hear." 

The  farmer  then  went  over  to  Mr.  Riley  and 
addrest  him  in  a  very  loud  voice : 

''Are  you  Mr.  Riley?" 

"What's  that?" 

' '  I  say,  are  you  Mr.  Riley  ? ' ' 

"What  did  you  say?" 

"Are  you  Mr.  Riley?" 

"Riley?     Oh,  yes!" 

"I  knew  your  father." 

"No  bother?" 

"I  say  I  knew  your  father." 

"What?" 

* '  I — knew — your — father ! ' ' 

"Oh,  so  did  I!" 

33 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


I  heard  a  story  the  other  day  that  was  very 
amusing.  (Chuckles  to  himself.)  Yes,  it  was 
really  very,  very  funny.  I  know  you  will  en- 
joy it,  too.  (Chuckles.)  Let  me  see,  how  did 
it  begin?  (Chuckles.)  Very  funny!  You'll 
enjoy  it.  (Laughs.)  It  was  about — eh — eh 
— eh —  (Face  now  assumes  worried  look.) 
Well,  I'm  afraid  I've  just  forgotten  what  it 
was  about — but  it  ivas  funny ! 

Dr.  Johnson,  who  published  his  dictionary 
in  1775,  was  congratulated  by  a  lady  on  the 
absence  of  nasty  words  from  his  dictionary. 
*'0h,"  said  he,  **then  you've  been  looking  for 
them,  have  you?"  Another  time  when  she 
tried  to  win  his  admiration  for  her  musical 
abilities,  she  turned  from  the  piano  to  him, 
saying :  * '  Do  you  know,  doctor,  that  selection 
is  very  difficult?"  ''Difficult,  madam,"  said 
he;  ** would  to  heaven  it  had  been  impossible !" 

A  pessimist  is  one  who  has  lived  with  an 
optimist. 

34 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


"Stop  throwin'  that  dirt  here,"  said  the 
foreman  of  a  job.  "What '11  I  do  with  it, 
then  ? ' '  asked  the  workman.  ' '  Dig  a  hole  and 
throw  it  in  there."  Just  then  a  passer-by 
asked  the  foreman :  ' '  What  is  the  population 
of  this  place?"  "Sixty  thousand,"  replied 
the  Irishman.  ' '  I  thought  it  was  much  more. ' ' 
"Oh,  well,  if  you  include  the  Dutch  it's  a 
hundred  and  eighty  thousand ! ' ' 

One  church-member  was  speaking  to  the 
other.  ' '  Isn  't  it  awful  how  the  common  folks 
in  town  seem  to  want  to  crowd  into  our  church 
lately?  It's  too  bad  they  ain't  satisfied  to 
stay  where  they  belong.  How  did  you  like  the 
sermon  ? ' ' 

"Well,  it  was  good  enough,  but  I  wish  the 
minister  would  quit  splitting  his  infinitives. 
It  gets  on  my  nerves. ' ' 

"Well,  I  never  let  them  kind  of  things 
bother  me,"  said  the  other  speaker,  "but 
that's  where  the  Episcopals  have  the  ad- 
vantage of  us.  If  our  preacher  would  wear 
35 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


a  long  robe  he  could  split  them  and  you'd 
never  notice  it!" 

Appendicitis  is  something  that  enables  a 
doctor  to  open  a  man's  anatomy  and  remove 
his  entire  bank  account. 

I  shall  speak  to  you  to-night  only  for  a  very 
few  moments,  since  I  am  reminded  of  the 
speaker  who  stood  looking  at  his  audience  for 
a  few  moments,  then  inquired : 

''What  shall  I  talk  about?" 

A  voice  from  the  back  of  the  hall  called 
out: 

''Talk  about  a  minute!" 


A  man  rushed  into  a  barber-shop  one  day, 
and  said  hastily: 

"Cut  the  whole  three  short." 

"What  three?" 

"The  head,  the  beard,  and  the  conversa- 
tion." 

36 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


Slang  is  tabooed  in  the  home  of  a  West 
Philadelphia  family,  principally  because  there 
is  a  bright  little  girl  who  displays  a  persistent 
aptitude  in  retaining  expressive  but  uncul- 
tured phrases. 

The  other  evening  at  dinner  the  mother, 
father  and  daughter  drifted  into  the  vernac- 
ular, and  a  fresh  start  was  necessary.  The 
little  girl  started  it.  *'I'm  not  stuck  on  this 
bread,"  she  remarked. 

"Margie,"  said  her  mother,  ''you  want  to 
cut  that  slang  out. ' ' 

''That's  a  peach  of  a  way  of  correcting  the 
child,"  commented  the  father. 

"I  know,"  replied  the  mother,  "but  I  just 
wanted  to  put  her  wise. ' ' 


A  local  physician  who  acts  as  examiner  for 
an  accident  insurance  company  said  that  he 
has  to  be  watchful  in  order  to  keep  the  com- 
panies he  represents  from  being  stung  on  ac- 
cident claims. 

37 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


''A  man  was  in  my  office,"  he  said,  "who 
said  that  he  had  fallen  from  a  street-car.  I 
examined  his  arm  and  tho  there  were  a  few 
bruises  on  it,  it  didn't  appear  to  be  badly  hurt. 

"  'How  high  can  you  raise  it?'  I  continued, 
and  he  answered  by  raising  his  arm,  with 
apparent  difficulty,  until  his  hand  was  a  few 
inches  above  his  head. 

"  'Pretty  bad,'  I  commented.  'Now,  show 
me  how  high  jou  could  raise  it  before  the  ac- 
cident happened.' 

"He  lifted  it  easily,  then,  'way  up  in  the 
air,  and  it  wasn't  until  I  began  to  laugh  that 
he  realized  that  he  had  exposed  himself.  He 
cleared  out  in  a  hurry  then." 

The  popular  after-dinner  speaker  rose  to 
respond  to  a  toast. 

"Gentlemen,"  he  said,  "the  imexpectedly 
flattering  manner  in  which  your  toastmaster 
has  introduced  me  this  evening  reminds  me  of 
a  story  which  strikes  me  as  being  appropriate 
to  the  occasion.  By  the  way,  how  many  of 
38 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


you  have  heard  the  story  of  the  Pennsylvania 
farmer  and  the  young  wolf  he  bought  for  a 
^coon  dog?'  Will  those  who  are  familiar  with 
it  from  having  listened  to  it  half  a  dozen 
times  or  more  please  raise  their  hands  1 ' ' 

An  overwhelming  majority  of  his  auditors 
raised  their  hands. 

*' Thanks,  gentlemen,"  he  said.  ''I  shall 
not  inflict  it  upon  you. ' ' 

With  their  rapturous  applause  still  ringing 
in  his  ears,  he  sat  down. 

He  made  the  hit  of  the  evening. 

A  story  is  told  of  an  Englishman  who  had 
occasion  for  a  doctor  while  staying  in  Peking. 

*'Sing  Loo,  gleatest  doctor,"  said  his 
servant;  "he  savee  my  lifee  once." 

"Really?"  queried  the  Englishman. 

"Yes;  me  tellible  awful,"  was  the  reply; 
'*me  callee  in  another  doctor.  He  givee  me 
medicine;  me  velly,  velly  bad.  Me  callee  in 
another  doctor.  He  come  and  give  me  miore 
medicine,  make  me  velly,  velly  badder.  Me 
39 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


callee  in  Sing  Loo.    He  no  come.    He  savee  my 
life." 

The  best  of  things  are  open  to  abuse,  you 
know;  even  prayer-meetings.  William  Spar- 
gus  rose  in  prayer-meeting  one  night  and  said 
he  desired  to  tell  the  dear  friends  present  of 
the  great  change  of  heart  that  had  come  over 
him,  so  that  he  now  forgave,  fully  and  freely, 
Deacon  Jones  for  the  horse  he  had  sold  him. 

Deacon  Jones  was  too  shocked  at  first  to 
reply.  He  soon  recovered  himself,  however, 
and  he  rose  in  his  pew  and  said  : 

*'I  am,  indeed,  glad,  dear  Christian  friends, 
to  have  gained  Brother  William  Spargus's 
forgiveness,  but  all  the  same  he  ain't  paid  me 
for  the  boss  yet." 

I  remember  a  lesson  in  brevity  I  once  re- 
ceived in  a  barber's  shop.  An  Irishman  came 
in,  and  the  unsteady  gait  with  which  he  ap- 
proached the  chair  showed  that  he  had  been 
imbibing  of  the  produce  of  the  still  run  by 
40 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


North  Carolina  moonshiners.  He  wanted  his 
hair  cut,  and  while  the  barber  was  getting  him 
ready,  went  off  into  a  drunken  sleep.  His 
head  got  bobbing  from  one  side  to  the  other, 
and  at  length  the  barber,  in  making  a  snip, 
cut  off  the  lower  part  of  his  ear.  The  barber 
jumped  about  and  howled,  and  a  crowd  of 
neighbors  rushed  in.  Finally  the  demonstra- 
tion became  so  great  that  it  began  to  attract 
the  attention  of  the  man  in  the  chair,  and  he 
opened  one  eye  and  said,  "AVh-wh-at's  the 
matter  wid  yez?"  ''Good  Lord!"  said  the 
barber,  ''I've  cut  off  the  whole  lower  part  of 
your  ear."  "Have  yez?  Ah,  thin,  go  on 
wid  yer  bizness — it  was  too  long,  anyhow. ' ' 

Nurses  in  hospitals  are  rather  apt  to  lay  too 
much  stress  on  the  advantages  received  by  the 
patients  and  their  duty  of  thankfulness;  but 
still  it  is  the  poor  soldier  who  suffers  most 
from  always  having  his  causes  to  be  grateful 
flung  in  his  teeth. 

Witness  the  following  true  story. 
41 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


Chaplain— '' So  poor  Hopkins  is  dead.  I 
should  have  liked  to  speak  to  him  once  again 
and  soothe  his  last  moments.  "Why  didn't  you 
call  me?" 

Hospital  Orderly — ''I  didn't  think  you 
ought  to  be  disturbed  for  ^Opkins,  sir,  so  I 
just  soothed  him  as  best  I  could  myself. ' ' 

Chaplain — "Why^  what  did  you  say  to 
him?" 

Orderly — "  *  'Opkins/  says  I,  *  you 're  mor- 
tal bad.'  " 

"  'I  am/  says  'e. 

''  '  'Opkins,'  says  I,  'I  don't  think  you'll 
get  better.' 

No, '  says  'e. 
'Opkins,'  says  I,  'you're  going  fast' 


''* Yes, 'says  'e. 

**  *  'Opkins,'  says  I,  'I  don't  think  you  can 
"ope  to  go  to  'eaven.' 

''  'I  don't  think  I  can,'  says  'e. 

"  'Well,  then,  'Opkins,'  says  I,  'you'll  go  to 
the  other  place.' 

"  '  I  suppose  so, '  says  'e. 
42 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


"  '  'Opkins,'  says  I,  'you  ought  to  be  wery 
grateful  as  there's  a  place  perwided  for  you, 
and  that  you've  got  somewhere  to  go.'  And  I 
think  'e  'eard,  sir,  and  then  'e  died. ' ' 

A  darky  was  complaining  that  his  wife  was 
constantly  asking  him  for  money.    Said  he : 

''It's  just  dreadful  the  way  my  wife  asks 
me  for  money.  Now  it's  a  quarter,  then  it's 
fifty  cents,  and  then  it's  a  dollar.  Never  stops 
asking  me  for  money  till  I  'm  nearly  crazy. ' ' 

*'Well,"  said  his  friend,  "what  does  she  do 
with  it?" 

**I  don't  know;  ye  see,  I  haven't  given  any 
to  her  yet." 

George  Washington  was  very  small,  very 
black,  and  very  new  to  the  life  of  the  public 
school  he  had  just  entered.  His  family  had 
emigrated  to  the  city  from  some  unknown 
wilderness,  and  the  officers  of  the  school 
board  had  discovered  little  George,  and 
brought  him  into  line  with  the  prospects  of  tJie 
43 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


higher  education.  It  was  his  first  day,  and 
the  teacher  was  trying  to  make  him  at  home. 

''And  so  your  name  is  George  Washing- 
ton?" said  the  teacher. 

"Yassum.    Jorge  Washin'ton. " 

*'And  I  suppose  you  try  to  be  as  like  him  as 
a  little  boy  can,  don't  you?" 

'*Lak  who,  ma'am?" 

''Like  George  Washington." 

The  youngster  looked  puzzled. 

"Ah  kain't  help  bein'  lak  Jorge  Wash- 
in'ton," he  replied,  stoutly,  "  'cos'  that's  who 
Ah  am." 

The  Gaelic  language  possesses  a  power  and 
pathos  which  can  not  be  found  in  any  other. 
It  also  puts  anything  approaching  to  strict 
grammatical  rules  aside,  and  Highlanders 
when  translating  their  Gaelic,  and  speaking 
their  English,  will  interject  the  personal  pro- 
noun "he"  when  not  required.  Such  as, 
"The  king  he  has  come,"  instead  of  "The 
king  has  come. ' ' 

44 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


A  gentleman  had  the  pleasure  of  listening 

to  a  clever  man,  the  Kev.  Mr. (not  fifty 

miles  from  Balmoral),  who  gave  his  text  tTius : 

''My  freens,  you  will  find  the  subject  of  the 
discoorse  in  the  1st  Epistle  General  of  St. 
Peter,  Chapter  5  and  Verse  8,  where  it  says: 
*The  devil  goeth  about  like  a  roaring  lion 
seeking  whom  he  may  devour.' 

"Now,  my  freens,  we  will  divide  the  subject 
of  our  text  into  four  heads :  Firstly,  w^e  shall 
endeavor  to  ascertain  who  the  devil  he  was; 
secondly,  we  will  inquire  into  his  geographical 
position,  namely :  where  the  devil  he  was,  and 
where  the  devil  he  was  going;  thirdly,  and 
this  for  personal  application,  who  the  devil  he 
was  seeking;  fourthly,  and  finally,  we  will  en- 
deavor to  solve  a  question  which  has  never 
been  solved  before,  what  the  devil  he  was 
roaring  at." 

It  is  said  that  once,  while  head  master  of 
Adams  Academy,  Dr.  Everett  threw  a  Latin 
grammar  at  a  pupil  and  scared  or  injured 
45 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


him.  The  father  of  the  boy  came  and  expos- 
tulated. ''But,  my  dear  sir,"  exclaimed  Dr. 
Everett,  ' '  your  boy  said  '  gotten ! '  " 

At  the  Thursday  Evening  Club  a  new  mem- 
ber remarked  innocently  and  pleasantly  as 
the  members  rose  one  evening:  "That  was  a 
good  paper,  Professor  Everett." 

Dr.  Everett  turned  upon  him,  white  with 
sudden  passion,  and  almost  shouted  out: 
''Don't  call  me  'professor!'  Call  me  'Mr.,' 
call  me  'Doctor,'  call  me  'Billy,'  call  me  any- 
thing you  please — but  not  'professor';  if  you 
call  me  'professor'  people  will  think  I  am  one 
of  Charles  Eliot 's  minions ! ' ' 


While  Judge  Gary,  of  Chicago,  was  once 
trj^ing  a  case  he  was  disturbed  by  a  young 
man  who  kept  moving  about  in  the  rear  of  the 
room,  lifting  chairs  and  looking  under  things. 
"Young  man,"  Judge  Gary  called  out,  "you 
are  making  a  great  deal  of  unnecessary  noise. 
What  are  you  about?"  "Your  honor,"  re- 
plied the  young  man,  "I  have  lost  my  over- 
46 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


coat,  and  am  trying  to  find  it. "  ' '  Well, ' '  said 
the  venerable  jurist,  "people  often  lose  whole 
suits  in  here  without  making  all  that  dis- 
turbance. ' ' 

A  little  boy  in  an  American  Sunday-school, 
in  reply  to  his  teacher's  question,  "Who  was 
the  first  man  ? ' '  answered,  ' '  George  Washing- 
ton"; and  upon  being  informed  that  it  was 
Adam,  exclaimed:  "Ah,  well!  If  you  are 
speaking  of  foreigners,  perhaps  he  was." 

When  a  man  stands  up  to  speak  for  the  first 
time  in  public,  he  is  suddenly  overwhelmed 
by  a  feeling  of  fear  not  unlike  that  of  my 
friend  Smith  upon  a  recent  occasion.  He  re- 
turned home  late  at  night,  so  late,  in  fact, 
that  all  the  lights  had  been  turned  out.  He 
had  spent  the  evening  with  convivial  friends, 
and  as  he  groped  his  way  through  the  dark 
hall  he  at  length  found  a  pitcher  of  ice-water 
into  which  one  of  his  children  had  accidentally 
dropt  a  spool  of  thread.  Taking  the  pitcher 
47 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


up  in  both  hands  he  took  a  copious  drink  and 
along  with  it  the  spool.  Fortunately,  the  end 
of  the  thread  hung  outside  of  his  mouth,  and 
taking  hold  of  it  he  began  to  pull  it  out  first 
with  one  hand  and  then  with  the  other.  Faster 
and  faster  it  came,  until  at  length  with  beads 
of  perspiration  dripping  from  his  face,  he 
cried  out  to  his  wife  with  agonizing  fear: 
''Maria!  Maria!  Come  down  quick;  I'm  all 
unravelin '. ' ' 

A  man  was  selling  hair-grower.  He 
said: 

''Yes,  gents,  one  bottle  of  this  unrivaled 
hair-grower  will  raise  a  rich,  luxuriant  crop 
of  hair  on  the  baldest  head  in  the  crowd.  But 
let  me  give  you  this  one  word  of  warning. ' ' 

Here  he  paused  to  pocket  a  half-dollai 
and  hand  a  bottle  of  the  liquid  to  a  baldhead. 

"My  warning  is — do  not  neglect,  when  the 
full  head  of  hair  is  grown,  to  take  the  last 
dose  in  the  bottle  internally.  That  is,  swal- 
low it." 

48 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


' '  Swallow  it !    What  f or  ? "  the  buyer  asked. 
* '  To  clinch  the  roots, ' '  was  the  reply. 

A  boy  at  school  was  asked  this  question  in 
physics:  "What  is  the  difference  between 
lightning  and  electricity  ? ' '  And  he  answered : 
*'Well,  you  don't  have  to  pay  for  lightning." 

A  story  is  told  of  an  Irishman  who  w^as  a 
hand  on  board  a  sailing  vessel  on  Lake  Erie. 
The  skipper  said  to  him  one  night,  "Jimmy, 
I  want  some  sleep,  and  I  want  you  to  take  hold 
of  the  tiller!  Do  you  know  anything  about 
navigation?"  "Not  much,"  said  Jimmy, 
"Well,"  said  the  skipper,  "do  you  see  that 
star?  Keep  her  head  in  that  direction." 
'*Yes,  sir,"  said  Jimmy;  "I'll  keep  her  in 
that  coorse";  and  so  the  skipper  went  below. 
Jimmy  did  very  well  for  a  time,  but  by  and 
by  it  grew  a  little  cloudy  and  stormy,  and 
when  the  storm  had  cleared  away  somewhat, 
and  Jimmy  looked  again  for  his  star,  lo,  it 
49 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


was  behind  him!  He  turned  around,  much 
alarmed,  and  said:  *'Wake  up,  captain! 
Wake  up !  and  give  me  something  else  to  steer 
by,  for  I'm  past  that." 

** What's  the  matter,  Ann?"  said  her  mis- 
tress to  an  Irish  servant.  "Och,  ma'am,"  re- 
plied Ann,  "the  postman's  outside,  and  he's 
got  a  letter  for  me  from  purgatory,  and  oi 
know  it's  from  me  ould  mother,  who's  been 
there  this  tin  years,  an'  it's  all  about  me  not 
payin'  for  the  masses  oi  said  oi  would  to  get 
her  out. ' '  On  her  mistress  going  out  she  found 
the  postman  in  a  fit  of  laughter  with  a  letter 
directed  to  Ann  Brady,  from  the  dead-letter 
ofQce. 

A  woman  of  fifty,  made  up  to  look  about 
twenty-five  years  old,  got  aboard  a  street-car 
at  a  crossing,  to  find  every  seat  occupied.  She 
stood  for  a  moment,  and  then  selecting  a 
poorly-drest  man  about  forty-five  years  of 
age,  she  inquired:  **Are  there  no  gentlemen 
50 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


on  this  car?"  "Indeed,  I  dunno,"  he  re- 
plied, as  he  looked  up  and  down.  "If  there 
ain't,  and  you  are  going  clear  through,  I'll 
hunt  up  one  for  you  at  the  end  of  the  line." 
There  was  an  embarrassing  silence  for  a  mo- 
ment, and  then  a  light  broke  in  on  him  all  of 
a  sudden,  and  he  arose  and  said:  "You  can 
have  this  seat,  ma'am.  I  am  alius  perfectly 
willing  to  stand  up  and  give  my  seat  to  any- 
body older  than  myself."  That  decided  her. 
She  gave  him  a  look  which  he  will  not  forget 
to  his  dying  day,  and,  grabbing  the  strap,  she 
refused  to  sit  down,  even  when  five  seats  had 
become  vacant. 


A  barrister  was  met  by  a  friend  the  other 
day  in  the  street,  laden  with  a  lot  of  law- 
books. Pointing  at  the  books,  his  friend  said, 
"Why,  I  thought  you  carried  all  that  stu:ff 
in  your  head!"  "I  do,"  quickly  replied  the 
lawyer,  wdth  a  knowing  wink;  "these  are  for 
the  judges." 

51 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


An  old  lawyer  was  giving  advice  to  his  son, 
who  was  just  entering  upon  the  practise  of  his 
father's  profession.  "My  son,"  said  the 
counselor,  "if  you  have  a  case  where  the  law 
is  clearly  on  your  side,  but  justice  seems  to  be 
against  you,  urge  upon  the  jury  the  vast  im- 
portance of  sustaining  the  law.  If,  on  the 
other  hand,  j^ou  are  in  doubt  about  the  law, 
but  your  client's  case  is  founded  in  justice, 
insist  on  the  necessity  of  doing  justice,  the 
the  heavens  fall."  "But,"  asked  the  son, 
"how  shall  I  manage  a  case  where  both  law 
and  justice  are  dead  against  me?"  "In  that 
case,  my  son, ' '  replied  the  lawyer, ' '  talk  round 
it!" 

A  Hebrew  named  Goldstein  and  another 
named  Silverstein,  both  busy  men  on  the  East 
Side,  met  at  the  home  of  a  friend  one  day,  and 
while  there  got  into  an  argument  about  a 
trivial  affair  which  led  to  a  bet  of  $10  between 
them,  and  was  won  by  Goldstein.  Silvers'tein 
was  piqued  at  this  turn  of  affairs,  and  resolved 
52 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


to  get  even  with  Goldstein  at  their  next  meet- 
ing. A  fortnight  later  he  called  at  Goldstein's 
store,  and,  finding  him  in,  greeted  him  as  cor- 
dially as  of  old,  and  as  tho  he  had  no  recollec- 
tion of  the  ''lost  bet,"  and  while  looking  into 
the  face  of  Goldstein  he  noticed  a  few  specks 
of  yellow  on  Goldstein's  black  whiskers,  and, 
getting  closer  to  him,  discerned  that  they  were 
particles  of  an  egg.  An  idea  then  occurred  to 
Silverstein  by  which  he  thought  he  could  get 
even  with  Goldstein,  and  he  said: 

''Goldstein,  I'll  bet  you  $10  that  I  can  tell 
you  what  you  ate  to-day. ' '  He  then  laid  $10 
on  the  counter. 

**I  don't  think  you  can,"  said  Goldstein, 
**so  I'll  take  that  bet."  He  then  opened  his 
wallet  and  took  out  $10  and  laid  it  alongside 
of  Silverstein 's  money. 

*'Well,  what  did  I  eat  to-day?"  said  Gold- 
stein. 

**You  ate  eggs,"  said  Silverstein,  ''for  I 
can  see  some  of  it  still  sticking  to  your 
whiskers. ' ' 

53 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


''You  lose  the  bet,"  said  Goldstein;  "I  ate 
the  eggs  last  week. ' ' 

Pat  O'Brien  and  Dan  Fhrnn,  two  lusty- 
Irishmen,  entered  a  corner  saloon  to  have  a 
sociable  drink  together.  There  were  no  cus- 
tomers in  the  place  when  they  entered,  but 
there  were  two  bartenders  waiting  for  some- 
thing to  "turn  up."  FhTin  accosted  them 
with  these  words:  "What  do  you  sell  here?" 
There  was  a  twinkle  in  the  eye  of  one  of  the 
bartenders  on  being  thus  hailed,  and  desiring 
to  have  a  little  laugh  at  Flynn's  expense,  he 
answered :  ' '  Jackasses. ' '  Flynn  then  retorted 
loudly:  "Begorra,  you  must  be  doing  a 
rushing  business,  as  you  have  only  two  left." 

To  make  a  speech  is  something  like  the 
minister  who  was  juggling  to  put  on  a  new 
four-ply  collar,  while  the  perspiration  was 
starting  from  every  pore. 

"Bless  the  collar!"  he  ejaculated.     "Oh, 
yes,  bless  it.    Bless  the  blest  collar." 
54 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


''My  dear,"  said  his  wife,  'Svhat  is  your 
text  for  this  morning's  sermon?" 

''F-fourteenth  verse  f -fifty-fifth  Psalm,"  he 
replied  in  short  gasps.  ''The  w-words  of  his 
m-mouth  were  s-smoother  than  butter,  but 
w-war  was  in  his  heart. ' ' 


Two  Irishmen  fresh  from  Ireland,  had 
just  landed  in  New  York  and  engaged  a  room 
in  the  top  story  of  a  hotel.  Mike,  being  very 
sleepy,  threw  himself  on  the  bed  and  was  soon 
fast  asleep.  The  sights  were  so  new  and 
strange  to  Pat  that  he  sat  at  the  window  look- 
ing out. 

Soon  an  alarm  of  fire  was  rung  in  and 
a  fire-engine  rushed  by,  throwing  up  sparks 
of  fire  and  clouds  of  smoke.  This  great- 
ly excited  Pat,  who  called  to  his  comrade 
to  get  up  and  come  to  the  window,  but 
Mike  was  fast  asleep.  Another  engine  soon 
followed  the  first,  spouting  smoke  and  fire 
like  the  former.  This  was  too  much  for  poor 
55 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


Pat,  who  rushed  excitedly  to  the  bedside,  and, 
shaking  his  friend,  called  loudly: 

"'Mike,  Mike,  wake  up!  They  are  moving 
Hades,  and  two  loads  have  gone  up  already." 

We  had  six  umbrellas  at  our  house,  but  they 
were  broke  and  needed  fixing.  My  wife  wor- 
ried me  so  one  rainy  day  that  I  took  them  to 
be  repaired.  I  had  umbrellas  on  the  brain 
that  day.  I  went  into  a  restaurant  for  my 
noon  lunch,  and  walked  off  with  a  lady's  um- 
brella, who  ran  after  me,  saying:  "What  do 
you  mean  by  taking  my  umbrella  ? "  I  begged 
her  pardon,  and  stated  it  was  an  oversight,  as 
I  thought  the  umbrella  was  mine.  On  my 
way  home  I  called  for  my  six  umbrellas  which 
I  had  repaired,  and  went  home  on  a  car.  On 
the  car  the  lady  whose  umbrella  I  took  by 
mistake  in  the  restaurant  was  sitting  opposite 
me.  She  looked  over  at  me  and  said:  "You 
had  a  good  day  to-day,  didn't  you?" 

Patrick  Burke,  an  Irishman  with  a  vora- 
cious appetite,  received    word    from    Dublin 
56 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


that  liis  uncle,  Timothy  Burke,  had  died  and 
left  him  a  large  fortune.  He  immediately 
took  steps  to  get  possession  of  his  inheritance, 
and  a  short  while  after  was  awarded  his  share 
of  his  uncle's  estate.  As  soon  as  he  came  into 
possession  of  the  legacy,  he  resolved  to  have 
a  good  dinner.  He  knew,  from  what  he  read 
in  the  papers,  that  wealthy  people  often  dine 
at  Delmonico's  restaurant,  so  he  hied  himself 
to  that  place.  Arriving  there,  he  seated  him- 
self at  a  table,  and  the  waiter  handed  him  a 
menu  card,  but  Pat  merely  glanced  over  it, 
realizing  in  a  jiffy  that  the  names  of  the 
various  dishes  were  beyond  his  comprehension, 
so  he  said  abruptly :  ' '  I  '11  have  none  of  it — 
I  want  a  good  dinner ! ' '  The  waiter  then  pro- 
ceeded to  serve  a  table  d'hote  dinner.  For 
the  first  course  he  brought  a  bowl  of  bouillon 
and  a  half-dozen  stalks  of  table  celery  served 
in  the  usual  way;  then  he  started  off  for  the 
second  course.  Pat  took  a  few  spoonfuls  of 
the  bouillon,  then  raised  the  bowl  to  his  mouth 
and  drained  it.  Then  he  began  to  eat  the 
5? 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


celery  and  had  nearly  eaten  it  all  when  the 
waiter  brought  a  lobster  served  whole.  Pat 
looked  at  the  lobster ;  then  he  called  the  waiter 
and  said:  ''When  I  came  into  this  place  I 
ordered  a  good  dinner,  and,  being  hungry,  I 
drank  the  slops  and  ate  the  bouquet  that  you 
brought  me,  but  I  '11  be  hang  'd  if  I  '11  eat  that 
bug!" 

It  is  quite  as  hard  as  ever  to  get  ahead  of 
Pat.  This  was  proved  the  other  day  during  a 
trial  in  an  English  court-room,  an  Irish  wit- 
ness being  examined  as  to  his  knowledge  of  a 
shooting  affair. 

''Did  you  see  the  shot  fired?"  the  magis- 
trate asked,  when  Pat  had  been  sworn. 

' '  No,  sorr ;  I  only  heard  it, ' '  was  the  evasive 
answer. 

"That  evidence  is  not  satisfactory,"  replied 
the  magistrate  sternly.    ' '  Stand  down ! ' ' 

The  witness  proceeded  to  leave  the  box,  and 
directly  his  back  was  turned  he  laughed  de- 
risively. The  magistrate,  indignant  at  the 
58 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


contempt  of  court,  called  him  back  and  asked 
him  how  he  dared  to  laugh  in  court. 

"Did  ye  see  me  laugh,  your  honor?"  queried 
the  offender. 

*'No,  sir;  but  I  heard  you,"  was  the  irate 
answer. 

**That  evidence  is  not  satisfactory,"  said 
Pat. 

And  this  time  everybody  laughed — even  the 
magistrate. 

A  reporter  called  upon  a  United  States 
Senator  recently  and  said,  ''Well,  Senator,  I 
have  come  according  to  your  request.  What 
feature  of  the  late  campaign  do  you  wish  to 
discuss  ? ' ' 

Said  the  Senator,  with  ponderous  gravity, 
''I  have  sent  for  you,  sir,  to  say  that  I  pos- 
itively refuse  to  be  interviewed.  Put  that 
down — positively  refuse.  These  public  men 
that  are  always  rushing  into  print  in  order  to 
keep  themselves  before  the  public — got  that 
down? — might  take  a  lesson  from  the  states- 
59 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


manlike  reticence  of  men  who  really  know  the 
causes  that  contributed  to  our  late  defeat,  but 
who  maintain  a  dignified  reserve  when  ap- 
proached by  the  thoughtless  interviewer.  Add 
something  about  my  evident  unwillingness  to 
thrust  my  personality  on  the  public,  and  let 
me  see  the  article  before  you  print  it.  Good- 
day." 

A  reverend  gentleman,  addressing  a  school 
concert  recently,  was  trying  to  enforce  the 
idea  that  the  hearts  of  the  little  ones  were 
sinful  and  needed  regulating.  Taking  his 
watch  and  holding  it  up,  he  said:  "Now, 
here  is  my  watch ;  suppose  it  doesn  't  keep  good 
time;  now  goes  too  fast,  now  too  slow;  what 
shall  I  do  with  it?"  "Sell  it!"  shouted  a 
youngster. 

Andrew  Carnegie  tells  of  an  old  Scotch  lady 
who  had  no  great  liking  for  modern  church 
music.     One  day  she  was  expressing  her  dis- 
like of  the  singing  of  an  anthem  in  her  own 
60 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


church,  when  a  friend  said:  ^'Why,  that  an- 
them is  a  very  ancient  one.  David  sang  it  to 
Saul." 

' '  Weel,  weel ! ' '  said  the  old  woman,  '  *  I  noo 
for  the  first  time  understan'  why  Saul  threw 
his  javelin  at  David  when  the  lad  sang  for 
him." 

The  last  speaker  makes  me  think  of  an 
Irishman  calling  loudly  for  assistance  for  his 
friend,  shouting  that  he  had  sunk  up  to  his 
ankles  in  a  slough.  The  party  appealed  to 
said  he  would  aid  him  after  he  should  finish 
cutting  a  log,  as  there  was  plenty  of  time. 
* '  No,  there  is  not, ' '  said  the  Irishman ;  * '  I  for- 
got to  tell  you  that  he's  in  head  -first.'' 

In  a  little  church  in  Maryland,  not  far  from 
Washington,  the  motive  power  for  the  organ 
comes  from  the  strong  arm  of  an  industrious 
Irishman. 

During  a  recent  service  there,  the  choir  got 
into  trouble,  and,  to  cap  the  climax,  during 
61 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


the  confusion  that  ensued,  the  organ  suddenly 
stopt. 

The  situation  was  not  greatly  relieved  when 
there  came  floating  out  into  the  auditorium  a 
hoarse  whisper : 

' '  Sing,  all  youse !  Sing  like  the  divil !  De 
orsran  's  busted. ' ' 


A  very  devout  Presbyterian  clergjTuan  in 
the  Middle  West  had  just  married  a  couple, 
and,  as  was  his  custom,  offered  a  fervent 
prayer,  invoking  the  divine  blessing  upon 
them.  As  they  seemed  to  be  worthy  folk  and 
not  overburdened  with  this  world's  goods,  he 
prayed,  among  other  things,  for  their  material 
prosperity,  and  besought  the  Lord  to  greatly 
increase  the  man 's  business,  laying  much  stress 
on  this  point. 

In  filling  out  the  blanks,  it  became  neces- 
sary to  ask  the  man  his  business,  and,  to  the 
minister's  horror,  he  said,  ''I  keep  a  saloon." 

In  telling  the  story  to  his  wife  afterward, 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


the  clergyman  said  that  as  he  wrote  down  the 
occupation   he  whispered : 
"Lord,  you  needn't  answer  that  prayer." 

Speaking  of  definitions,  a  sleeper  is  one 
who  sleeps.  A  sleeper  is  also  a  car  in  which 
the  sleeper  sleeps.  A  sleeper  is,  additionally, 
the  tie  which  holds  the  rails  on  which  the  sec- 
ond sleeper  runs  while  carrying  the  first 
sleeper.  Therefore,  w^hile  the  first  sleeper 
sleeps  in  the  second  sleeper,  this  second  sleeper 
carries  the  first  sleeper  over  the  third  sleeper 
which  supports  the  second  sleeper  until  the 
sleeper  which  carries  the  sleeper  jumps  the 
sleeper  and  wakes  the  sleeper  in  the  sleeper 
by  bumping  the  sleeper  under  the  sleeper,  and 
then  there  is  no  sleeper  in  the  sleeper  over 
the  sleeper,  unless  his  name  happens  to  be 
Sleeper,  and  even  then,  if  the  switchman  is 
also  a  sleeper,  the  first  sleeper  becomes  as  dead 
as  the  third  sleeper. 

The  importance    of    thinking  before   you 
speak  recently  received  an  amusing  illustra- 
63 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


tion  at  a  meeting  held  in  a  well-known  town 
not  a  hundred  miles  from  the  banks  of  the 
Hudson.  One  of  the  persons  who  occupied  the 
stage  was  an  enthusiastic  deacon,  who  fre- 
quently interrupted  the  speakers  by  yelling: 
"Thank  goodness  for  that!"  One  gentleman 
was  called  upon,  who  arose  and  said : 

"Ladies  and  gentlemen,  I  am  heart  and 
soul  in  this  cause,  and  feel  that  it  will  be  a 
great  benefit  to  the  people  of  this  place." 

' '  Thank  goodness  for  that ! ' '  yelled  the 
deacon. 

"But,  ladies  and  gentlemen,"  he  continued, 
"I  am  going  to  say  that  it  will  be  impossible 
for  me  to  address  you  this  evening — " 

"Thank  goodness  for  that!"  broke  in  the 
absent-minded  deacon,  amid  great  laughter. 

I  can  not  help  feeling  like  the  citizen  sol- 
dier of  Hibernian  extraction  who  came  up,  in 
the  streets  of  New  York,  to  a  general  officer 
and  held  out  his  hand  for  alms,  evidently 
wanting  to  put  himself  temporarily  on  the 
64 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


General's  pay-roll,  as  it  were.  The  General 
said:  ''Why  don't  you  work?"  He  said  he 
couldn't  on  account  of  his  wounds.  The  Gen- 
eral asked  where  he  was  wounded.  He  said^ 
"In  the  retrate  at  Bull  Run."  "But  where- 
abouts on  your  person?"  He  replied,  "You'll 
notice  the  scar  here"  (pointing  to  his  face). 
"Now,  how  could  you  get  wounded  in  the 
face  while  on  the  retreat?"  "I  had  the  in- 
discrition  to  look  back."  "Well,"  said  the 
General,  "that  wouldn't  prevent  your  work- 
ing." "Ah,"  answered  the  man,  "the  worst 
wound  is  here."  (Left  breast.)  The  Gen- 
eral said,  "Oh,  that's  all  bosh;  if  the  bullet 
had  gone  in  there  it  would  have  passed 
through  your  heart  and  killed  you."  "I  beg 
your  pardon,  sir;  at  that  moment  me  heart 
was  in  me  mouth!" 


With  reference  to  long-winded  speakers,  I 
recall  to  mind  a  deacon  out  in  Michigan.     If 
he  rose  to  speak  at  a  prayer-meeting,  revival 
65 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


or  love  feast,  he  was  sure  to  keep  the  floor 
half  an  hour.  It  was  on  the  deacon's  account, 
when  a  tremendous  conflict  arose  over  the 
building  of  a  new  wing  to  the  church, 
that  a  rule  was  made  up  that  no  speaker,  at 
the  final  building  discussion,  should  take 
longer  than  five  minutes. 

At  the  final  discussion,  held  in  the  Sunday- 
school,  a  half-dozen  speakers  had  exprest  their 
views,  and  had  sat  down  promptly  when  a  tap 
of  the  bell  announced  that  time  was  up,  and 
then  the  deacon  rose. 

The  deacon  droned  on  in  his  old  familiar 
way,  and  when  the  bell  rang  he  had  not  even 
got  to  his  subject.  The  bell's  sharp  tinkle 
caused  him  to  start  and  frown. 

'*Am  I  to  understand,"  he  said,  ''that  my 
five  minutes  have  expired  ? ' ' 

*'Yes,  deacon,"  said  the  pastor,  and  the 
audience  tittered  slightly. 

"Then,  brethren,"  said  the  deacon,  ''I  will 
throw  the  rest  of  my  remarks  into  the  form 
of  a  prayer." 

66 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


I  am  reminded  of  a  story  told  by  Speaker 
Cannon,  at  a  dinner  in  Washington,  in  praise 
of  a  Washington  physician : 

''The  doctor  has  a  neat  way,"  he  said,  ''of 
hitting  off  a  case. 

"There  was  a  Kentuckian — from  the  blue- 
grass  region,  you  know — called  to  be  treated 
for  red  nose. 

' '  '  Doctuh, '  the  Kentuckian  said, '  what  shall 
I  take,  suh,  to  remove  the  redness  of  mah 
nose  ? ' 

' '  '  Take  nothing — especially  between  meals,  * 
the  doctor  answered. ' ' 


The  fluency  and  versatility  of  the  last 
speaker  brings  forcibly  to  mind  the  name  of 
Jim  Lane. 

After  he  had  been  elected  United  States 
Senator  he  went  to  Washington  and  put  up 
dt  one  of  the  principal  hotels — one  that  was 
very  popular  with  the  residents  of  the  city, 
and  the  traveling  public  generally.  He 
67 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


went  to  bed,  but  was  awakened  shortly 
after  he  went  to  sleep  by  the  strains  of  a  brass 
band  playing  a  sentimental  air  in  front  of  the 
hotel  and  just  under  his  window.  Lane 
jumped  out  of  bed,  donned  his  clothing,  got 
on  the  balcony  in  front  of  his  window  and 
made  a  very  eloquent  speech. 

'*I  thank  you,  gentlemen,  for  this  exquisite 
notice  of  one  of  the  most  important  steps  in 
my  life.  There  is  nothing  in  the  world  so 
capable  of  expressing  sentiment  as  fine  music, 
and  the  artistic  manner  in  which  you  have 
mastered  j^our  art  makes  the  occasion  all  the 
more  enjoyable.  It  is  very  fine  to  know  that 
some  one  appreciates  you — fine  to  feel  the 
sympathy  of  friends,  even  tho  they  be  not 
known,  throbbing  through  music.  I  know  not 
how  to  thank  you.  Words  fail  me  to  tell  you 
my  deep  appreciation.    I  can  not  express — " 

Just  then  some  one  stept  through  Lane's 

window    and    plucked    him    on    the    sleeve. 

^'They're  not  serenading  you,"  came  in  sotto 

voce.     **This  band  is  pumping  out  its  lungs 

68 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


in  honor  of  a  newly  married  couple  honey- 
mooning at  this  hotel." 

''I  can  not  express  to  you,"  went  on  Lane, 
'Hhe  thanks  of  the  young  couple  which  has 
just  started  out  on  life's  sea.  But  I  know 
that  your  sweet  music  will  waft  them  onward 
toward  happiness  and  success.  I  wish  to- 
thank  you  for  them. ' ' 

Uncle  Joe  Cannon  in  a  recent  political  ar- 
gument said : 

*'That  excuse  is  not  good  enough.  It  re- 
minds me  of  a  Danville  bartender. 

*  *  The  bartender  came  to  work  in  a  Danville 
bar,  and  as  soon  as  he  arrived  the  receipts  be- 
gan to  diminish.  The  boss  at  the  end  of  the 
week  said  seriously  to  the  newcomer : 

**  *Look  here,  do  you  take  money  out  of 
the  tilir 

''  *0h,  no,  sir,'  said  the  bartender.  *No, 
indeed,  sir.' 

"  'Now,'  said  the  boss,  'you  must  be  taking 
money;  I  know  it' 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


^'  'Well,  of  course,  sir,'  said  the  bartender, 
*  I  take  out  my  carfare  every  night. ' 

''  'Oh,  you  do,  eh?'  said  the  boss.  'And 
T\-here  do  you  live  ?    In  San  Francisco. '  ' ' 


"Judge,"  said  the  prisoner,  "I  would  like 
to  ask  a  few  questions  before  I  enter  my 
plea." 

"You  have  the  Court's  permission,"  said 
the  judge. 

"If  I  go  on  trial,"  said  the  prisoner,  "do  I 
have  to  sit  here  and  hear  all  the  hypothetical 
questions  asked  by  the  lawyers?" 

"Certainly,"  said  the  judge. 

' '  And  hear  all  the  handwriting  experts  ? ' ' 

"Of  course." 

' '  And  follow  the  reasoning  of  the  chemistry 
and  insanity  experts  ? ' ' 

"Yerj^  probably,"  said  the  judge. 

"Well,  then,  judge,  I  will  enter  my  plea." 

"What  is  it?"  asked  the  judge. 

"Guilty!" 

70 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


One  of  the  jokes  of  which  Kentuckians  never 
grow  weary  concerns  Senator  Blackburn  and 
his  loyal  appreciation  of  the  liquid  products 
of  his  native  State.  The  Senator  had  gone  to 
pay  a  visit  to  a  friend  of  his  who  lived  many 
miles  distant.  His  friend  met  the  Senator  as 
he  alighted  at  the  station. 

' '  How  are  you,  Joe  ? "  his  friend  asked. 

**I'm  up  against  it,"  was  the  reply.  ''I 
lost  the  best  part  of  my  luggage  en  route.'' 

''Did  you  misplace  it,  or  was  it  stolen?" 
his  friend  inquired  solicitously. 

"Neither,"  said  the  Senator;  "the  cork 
came  out." 

Some  people  can  not  resist  the  temptation 
to  play  practical  jokes  on  innocent  victims.  A 
fiend  of  that  variety  w^as  accosted  by  a  man 
who  stammered  badly.  "Can  you  tell  me 
where  I  can  get  some  g-g-g-g-good  c-c-c-c-arpet 
t-t-t-t-tacks?" 

"Yes,  certainly,"  replied  the  inveterate 
jokist.  "You  turn  doTsu  this  street  to  your 
71 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


left,  then  turn  again  to  your  left,  and  then  go 
straight  ahead,  and  you'll  find  an  iron- 
monger's, where  you'll  be  sure  to  get  them." 

The  stammerer  continued  on  his  way  and 
the  jokist  bolted  down  the  street  and  tackled 
the  ironmonger  first. 

''Have  you  any  g-g-g-g-good  t-t-t-t-tin- 
t-t-tacks?" 

"Yes,  sir,"  said  the  obliging  man,  pro- 
■ducing  his  best  after  some  rummaging. 

"Are  you  sure  th-th-these  are  g-g-g-good 
ones?" 

"Yes.    The  best  that  are  made." 

"Are  th-th-the  heads  st-st-st-strong ? " 

"Yes,  sir." 

"Have  they  g-g-g-g-got  s-s-s-s-sharp  p-p-p- 
points?" 

"Certainly." 

"Well,  p-p-p-please  s-s-s-s-sit  on  them  t-t-t- 
till  I  get  back,  will  you?"  he  said,  making  a 
4ash  for  the  door. 

Presently  the  unlucky  stammerer  arrived, 
and,  entering,  asked  innocently:  "H-h-h-ave 

72 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


y-y-you  a-a-a-any  g-g-good  t-t-tin  t-t-t-tacks  ? ' ' 
When  he  recovered  he  asked  in  a  somewhat 
dazed  fashion,  whether  the  house  had  fallen 
on  him,  or  if  it  was  simply  an  explosion. 

In  a  railroad  office  in  West  Philadelphia 
there  is  an  old  and  trusted  clerk  of  Celtic  ex- 
traction, who  keeps  his  associates  in  a  constant 
state  of  good  humor  by  an  unending  series 
of  witticisms,  interspersed  occasionally  with 
*' bulls,"  so  glaring  that  even  he  himself  has  to 
join  in  the  laugh  that  invariably  follows  such 
a  ''break"  on  his  part. 

There  was  some  trouble  on  the  telephone 
one  day  recently,  and  Mike,  as  he  is  called 
among  his  friends,  lost  much  of  his  usual  good 
nature  in  his  efforts  to  get  the  gist  of  a  mes- 
sage that  was  being  sent  from  another  office. 
The  man  on  the  other  end  of  the  wire  finally 
became  exasperated  and  asked  Mike  if  he  was 
losing  his  hearing. 

*'I  can  hear  you  all  right  until  you  begin 
to  talk,"  said  Mike,  with  a  bewildered  look 
73 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


on  his  face,  "and  then  I  can't  understand  a 
word  you  say. ' ' 


Here  is  an  incident  that  a  Chanute  man 
tells  as  having  occurred  in  a  certain  Kansas 
town.  He  was  in  the  ticket  office  and  watched 
the  proceedings. 

A  man  came  up  to  the  window  and  asked 
for  a  ticket  to  Kansas  City,  inquiring  the 
price. 

* '  Two  twenty-five, ' '  said  the  agent. 

The  man  dug  down  into  a  well-worn  pocket- 
look  and  fished  out  a  bill.  It  was  a  bank- 
note for  $2.    It  was  also  all  the  money  he  had. 

"How  soon  does  this  train  go?"  he  in- 
quired. 

"In  fifteen  minutes,"  replied  the  agent. 

The  man  hurried  away.  Soon  he  was  back 
with  three  silver  dollars,  with  which  he  bought 
a  ticket. 

"Pardon  my  curiosity,"  said  the  ticket 
seller,  "but  how  did  you  get  that  money?  It 
74 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


isn't  a  loan,  for  I  see  you  have  disposed  of 
the  $2  bill." 

''That's  all  right,"  said  the  man.  "No,  1 
didn't  borrow.  I  went  to  a  pawnshop  and 
soaked  the  bill  for  $1.50.  Then  as  I  started 
back  here  I  met  an  old  acquaintance,  to  whom 
I  sold  the  pawn-ticket  for  $1.50.  I  then  had 
$3  and  he  has  the  pawn-ticket  for  which  the 
$2  bill  stands  as  security." 

Walter  J.  Knight,  who  has  a  fund  of  good 
darky  stories,  surrendered  this  one  yesterday : 

"Jason,  black  as  the  ace  of  spades,  was 
tried  for  murder  in  Mississippi,  and  found 
guilty.  He  was  led  before  the  judge  on  a  sul- 
try day  late  in  July  for  sentence. 

"  *  Jason,'  said  the  Court,  'you  have  been 
found  guilty  of  murder  by  a  jury  of  your 
peers.  Have  you  anything  to  say  before  sen- 
tence is  imposed  upon  you?' 

"Jason  had  nothing  to  say.  There  was  a 
pause,  and  the  judge  proceeded: 

"  'It  therefore  becomes  my  painful  duty  to 
75 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


sentence  you  to  be  hanged  by  the  neck  until 
you  are  dead  on  the  thirteenth  day  of  August. ' 

"There  was  another  pause,  and  Jason, 
shifting  from  one  foot  to  the  other,  looked  up. 

**  'Sho'ly  yo'  all  don't  mean  this  comin' 
Angus',  does  yo',  jedge?'  he  asked." 

Senator  Murphy  Foster,  at  a  dinner  in 
Washington,  said  of  a  certain  retraction : 

''It  was  a  retraction  without  value.  It  re- 
calls the  Nola  Chucky  scandal. 

' '  Dean  Washington,  in  the  heat  of  a  revival, 
shouted  from  the  Nola  Chucky  chapel : 

''  'I  see  befo'  me  ten  chicken  thieves,  in- 
cludin'  that  thar  Calhoun  Clay.' 

''Calhoun  Clay  at  once  rose  and  left  the 
church.  He  was  very  angry.  He  brought 
several  powerful  influences  to  bear  and  the 
deacon  promised  to  apologize. 

"So  at  the  following  revival  the  old  man 
said: 

"  'I  desire  to  retract  mah  last  night's  re- 
mark, namely,  I  see  befo'  me  ten  chicken 
76 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


thieves,  includin'  Calhoun  Clay.  What  I 
should  have  said,  dear  brethren  and  sistern, 
was,  I  see  befo'  me  nine  chicken  thieves,  not 
includin'  Calhoun  Clay.'  " 


A  negro  preacher,  whose  supply  of  hominy 
and  bacon  was  running  low,  decided  to  take 
radical  steps  to  impress  upon  his  flock  the 
necessity  for  contributing  liberally  to  the 
church  exchequer.  Accordingly,  at  the  close 
of  the  sermon,  he  made  an  impressive  pause, 
and  then  proceeded  as  follows : 

*'I  hab  found  it  necessary,  on  account  ob  de 
astringency  ob  de  hard  times  an'  de  gineral 
deficiency  ob  de  circulatin'  mejum  in  connec- 
tion wid  dis  ch'ch,  t'  interduce  ma  new  otter- 
matic  c 'lection  box.  It  is  so  arranged  dat  a 
half-doUah  or  quahtah  falls  on  a  red  plush 
cushion  without  noise;  a  nickel  will  ring  a 
small  bell  distinctly  heard  by  de  congrega- 
tion, an'  a  button,  ma  fellow  mawtels,  will 
fiah  off  a  pistol;  so  you  wull  gov'n  yo 'selves 
77 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


accordingly.     Let   do   c 'lection   now   p'ceed, 
w'ile  takes  off  ma  hat  an'  gibs  out  a  hymn." 


I  have  heard  that  an  Israelite  without  guile, 
doing  business  down  in  Chatham  Street, 
called  his  creditors  together,  and  offered  them 
in  settlement  his  note  for  ten  per  cent  on  their 
claims,  payable  in  four  months.  His  brother, 
one  of  the  largest  creditors,  rather  "kicked"; 
but  the  debtor  took  him  aside  and  said,  "Do 
not  make  any  objections,  and  I  will  make  you 
a  preferred  creditor."  So  the  proposal  was 
accepted  by  all.  Presently,  the  preferred 
brother  said,  "Well,  I  should  like  what  is 
coming  to  me."  "Oh,"  was  the  reply,  "you 
won't  get  anything;  they  won't  any  of  them 
get  anything."  "But  I  thought  I  was  a  pre- 
ferred creditor."  "So  you  are.  These  notes 
will  not  be  paid  when  they  come  due;  but  it 
will  take  them  four  months  to  find  out  that 
they  are  not  going  to  get  anything.  But  you 
know  it  now ;  you  see,  you  are  preferred. ' ' 
78 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


A  young  man  who  was  called  upon  to  speak 
for  the  first  time  arose  cautiously  and  said: 
*'I  am  called  upon  to  propose  the  health  of 
the  ladies.  I  never  made  a  speech  in  my  life. 
(Applause.)  I  am  willing  to  do  anything  to 
make  you  enjoy — (applause).  I  will  only 
make  a  fool  of  myself.  (Sits  down,  applause) . 
I  would  rather  not.  (Sits  down,  applause). 
Ladies  and  gentlemen — I — (some  one  hits  him 
from  the  back  with  a  table  napkin) — that  was 
a  fool  of  a  tiling  to  do!  (Applause.)  Ladies 
and  gentlemen,  I  have  been  suddenly  called 
upon — to — to — propose  a  toast — which  I  think 
you  will  admit  I  am  suddenly  called  upon, 
very  suddenly,  to  propose.  (Sits  down,  ap- 
plause.) Ladies  and  gentlemen,  you  are  very 
kind  (clears  throat),  and  I  will  do  my  best, 
unaccustomed  as  I  am  to  public  houses — I 
mean  speaking.  I  sometimes  find  I  have  some 
little  difficulty  in  the — of  course,  I  do  not 
mean  to  say,  I  do  not  mean  to  say  what  I  mean 
when  I  mean  what  I  say;  at  all  events  ladies 
and  gentlemen,  I  am  very  much  obliged  for 
79 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


the  kind  remarks  in  Avhich  you  have  drunk 
my  health.  (Sits  down.)  I  am  called  upon 
to  propose  (some  one  pushes  him  from  be- 
hind)— propose  a  toast,  but  have  forgotten  it. 
It  is  the  most  important  toast  of  the  evening 
(aside  to  neighbor:  What  is  the  toast?)  — 
oh,  yes,  the  toast  of  the  ladies.  Of  course,  we 
all  know  whatever  may  be  said  against  them, 
whatever  people  may  say  about  the  ladies, 
there  is  no  doubt  the  ladies  are  really  a  very 
excellent  institution.  I  do  not  agree  with 
those  people  who  think  they  are  a  uniform 
success.  They  are  quite  the  reverse!  I  am 
bold  enough  to  say  I  do  not  agree  that  they 
are  very  nearly  as  good  as  we  are.  I  know — 
(again  hit  in  the  back) — few  would  not  drink 
to  the  army  and  navy — I  mean  the  ladies. 
Dackery  says — I  mean  Thickens,  says — or 
rather  Shakespere  saj^s,  that  when  a  woman — 
er  (snapping  his  fingers  to  aid  his  memory) — ■ 
confound  it,  I  had  it  just  now — Shakespere 
says,  oh,  yes,  'We  won't  go  home  till  morn- 


ing!' " 


80 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


A  man  in  West  Newton,  who  has  many 
friends,  was  puzzled  the  other  day  when  one 
of  them  called  him  to  account  for  neglecting 
his  wife. 

''What  in  the  world  is  the  trouble?"  said 
the  friend.  ''You  used  to  be  madly  in  love 
with  Mrs.  Blank.  Don 't  you  care  for  her  any 
more?" 

"I  surely  do,"  said  the  husband. 

"Well,  if  you  love  her,  how  does  it  come 
that  you  haven't  spoken  to  her  for  the  last 
fifteen  years?" 

"Oh,  that,"  said  the  man.  "The  fact  is,  I 
hate  to  interrupt  her." 

"As  every  one  who  has  visited  London 
knows,"  said  a  young  man  formerly  attached 
to  our  embassy  at  the  British  capital,  "the 
number  of  passengers  carried  on  certain 
'busses  is  limited  by  regulation. 

"Once  a  kindly  Irish  conductor,  tho  quite 
aware  that  his  'bus  was  full,  had  permitted 
a  young  and  sickly  woman  to  squeeze  in.  The 
81 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


'bus  had  not  proceeded  far  before  the  usual 
crank  spoke  up,  'Conductah!'  he  exclaimed, 
'  You  've  one  over  your  number,  y '  know ! ' 

*'  'Have  I,  sir?'  asked  the  conductor  with 
affected  concern.  Then,  beginning  to  count 
from  the  opposite  end,  leaving  the  com- 
plainant until  the  last,  he  repeated:  'Wan, 
two,  three,  four,  foive,  six,  sivin,  eight,  noine, 
tin,  'leven,  twelve,  thir — so  I  have,  sir,  an'  be 
the  Lord  Harry,  ye  're  the  wan.    Out  ye  go !  * 

"And  out  he  did  go." 


I  remember  forty  years  ago  to  have  heard 
a  Senator  of  the  United  States,  making  a 
stump  speech  in  a  quiet  town  in  Vermont, 
amuse  his  audience  with  a  story  of  a  wood- 
sawyer  who  had  worked  for  him  and  who 
had  the  habit  of  accompanying  the  movement 
of  his  saw  with  talking  to  himself.  He  asked 
him  one  day  why  he  did  so.  "Why,"  said  he, 
"for  two  reasons.  The  first  is,  that  it  is  a 
great  pleasure  to  hear  a  sensible  man  talk,  and 
82 


STORIES  THAT  TAK: 


the  second  is  that  it  is  a  pleasure  to  talk  to  a 
sensible  man. ' ' 

Once  an  officer  attacked  General  Sherman, 
calling  him  a  bully  and  a  tyrant,  unfit  to  com- 
mand troops.  Lincoln  quietly  asked  if  he  had 
any  grievance.  The  officer  replied  that  Gen- 
eral Sherman  had  accused  him  of  some 
misconduct  and  threatened  to  shoot  him  if  it 
occurred  again. 

*'If  I  were  in  your  place/*  remarked  the 
President  in  a  confidential  whisper,  "I 
wouldn't  repeat  that  offense,  because  Sher- 
man is  a  man  of  his  word." 

I  dread  this  function  which  I  am  now  at- 
tempting to  discharge  more  than  any  other 
that  confronts  me  in  life.  The  after-dinner 
speaker,  unlike  the  poet,  is  not  bom — he  is 
made.  I  am  frequently  compelled  to  meet  in 
disastrous  competition  about  some  dinner- 
table  gentlemen  who  have  already  had  their 
speeches  set  up  in  the  newspaper  offices.  They 
83 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


are  given  to  you  as  if  they  were  fresh  from 
the  lip ;  you  are  served  with  what  they  would 
have  you  believe  to  be  "impromptu  boned 
turkey";  and  yet,  if  you  could  see  into  the 
recesses  of  their  intellectual  kitchen,  you 
would  see  the  days  of  careful  preparation 
which  have  been  given  to  these  spontaneous 
utterances.  The  after-dinner  speaker  needs  to 
find  somewhere  some  unworked  joker's  quarry, 
where  some  jokes  have  been  left  without  a 
label  on  them ;  he  needs  to  acquire  the  art  of 
seeming  to  pluck,  as  he  goes  along  in  the 
progress  of  his  speech,  as  by  the  wayside,  some 
flower  of  rhetoric.  He  seems  to  have  passed 
it  and  to  have  plucked  it  casually — but  it  is  a 
boutonniere  with  tin-foil  round  it. 


It  is  narrated  that  Colonel  Breckinridge, 
meeting  Majali  Buffo 'd  on  the  streets  of 
Lexington  one  day,  asked:  "What  is  the 
meaning,  suh,  of  the  conco'se  befo'  the  co't 
house. ' ' 

84 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


To  which  the  Majah  replied: 

* '  General  Buckneh,  suh,  is  making  a  speech., 
General  Buckneh,  suh,  is  a  bo'n  oratah.'' 

* '  If  yo '  or  I,  suh,  were  asked  how  much  two 
and  two  make,  we  would  reply,  ^foh/  When 
this  is  asked  a  bo'n  oratah  he  replies,  'When 
in  the  co'se  of  human  events  it  becomes  neces- 
sa'y  to  take  an  integeh  of  the  second  de- 
nomination and  add  it,  suh,  to  an  integeh  of 
the  same  denomination,  the  result,  suh,  and  I 
have  the  science  of  mathematics  to  back  me  in 
my  judgment,  the  result,  suh,  and  I  say  it 
without  feah  of  successful  contradiction,  suh, 
the  result  is  fo'.    That's  a  bo'n  oratah." 


You  remember  the  distinguished  jurist  who 
once  sat  down  to  a  course  dinner  similar  to 
this?  He  had  been  waited  on  by  one  servant 
during  two  courses.  He  had  had  the  soup. 
Another  servant  came  to  him  and  said,  ''Sir, 
shall  I  take  your  order  ?  Will  you  have  some 
of  the  chicken  soup?"    "No,  sir;  I  have  been 

95 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


served  with  chicken  soup,  but    the    chicken 
proved  an  alibi." 

I  was  riding  from  Pittsburg  to  Philadel- 
phia in  the  smoking  compartment  of  a  Pull- 
man. There  were  perhaps  six  of  us  in  the 
compartment,  smoking  and  reading.  All  of 
a  sudden  a  door  banged  and  the  conductor's 
voice  cried : 

*'  All  tickets,  please!" 

Then  one  of  the  men  in  the  compartment 
leaped  to  his  feet,  scanned  the  faces  of  the 
rest  of  us  and  said  slowly  and  impressively: 

*  *  Gentlemen,  I  trust  to  your  honor. ' ' 

And  he  dived  under  the  seat  and  remained 
there  in  a  small,  silent  knot  until  the  con- 
ductor was  safely  past. 

I  remember  a  reference  made  by  the  dis- 
tinguished gentleman  to  a  case  that  was  tried 
by  a  young,  struggling  attorney.  I  also  re- 
member a  young  judge  who  appeared  in  one 
of  the  rural  counties,  who  sat  and  heatd  a 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


case  very  similar  to  the  one  to  which  reference 
was  made,  and  I  remember  the  fight  of  the 
giants  before  him.  Points  were  raised  of  mo- 
mentous importance.  They  were  to  affect  the 
policy  of  the  State.  One  lawyer  insisted  upon 
the  correctness  of  an  objection  and  succeeded. 
He  felt  so  elated  over  that  success  he  in  a 
short  time  objected  again,  and  the  judge  ruled 
against  him,  but  in  his  ardor  he  argued  with 
the  Court.  ''Why,  I  can't  conceive  why  you 
make  this  ruling.'*  "Why,"  the  judge  says, 
' '  I  have  just  ruled  with  you  once,  I  must  rule 
with  the  other  fellow  this  time." 

A  certain  colored  man  who,  when  he  was 
about  to  leave  his  master's  employ  because  of 
the  mysterious  disappearance  of  certain  small 
articles  about  the  house,  asked  for  a  certificate 
of  character  to  take  to  his  next  employer,  and 
his  employer  said :  ''Well,  'Rastus,  I  can  give 
you  a  good  certificate  for  energy  and  ability, 
but  I  can  not  say  much  about  your  honesty. ' ' 
"Tell  you  w^hat,  boss,"  says  'Rastus,  after  a 
87 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


moment's  reflection:  ''Can't  you  put  it  in 
that  I  am  just  as  honest  as  my  instincts  will 
let  me  be?" 

I  remember  reading  once  of  a  distinguished 
lawyer  who  had  a  witness  upon  the  stand.  He 
was  endeavoring  to  locate  the  surroundings 
of  a  building  in  which  an  accident  occurred, 
and  he  had  put  a  female  witness  on  the  stand. 
*'Now,  the  location  of  the  door:  please  give 
it,"  and  she  gave  it  in  a  timid  way.  "Will 
you  now  kindly  give  the  location  of  the  hall 
in  which  the  accident  occurred?"  She  gave 
it.  "Now,"  he  says,  "we  have  arrived  at  the' 
stairs;  will  you  kindly  tell  me  which  way  the 
stairs  run?"  She  became  a  little  nervous 
and  she  says,  "I  will  tell  you  the  best  I  can; 
if  you  are  at  the  foot  of  the  stairs  they  run 
up,  and  if  you  are  at  the  top  of  the  stairs  they 
run  down." 

Some  years  ago,  when  the  bedding  was  not 
supposed  to  be  as  fat  as  it  ought  to  be,  and 
88 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


the  pillows  were  accused  of  being  constructed 
upon  the  homeopathic  principle,  a  New  Eng- 
lander  got  on  a  car  one  night.  Now,  it  is  a 
remarkable  fact  that  a  New  Englander  never 
goes  to  sleep  in  one  of  these  cars.  He  lies 
awake  all  night,  thinking  how  he  can  improve 
upon  every  device  and  patent  in  sight.  He 
poked  his  head  out  of  the  upper  berth  at  mid- 
night, hailed  the  porter  and  said,  *'Say,  have 
you  got  such  a  thing  as  a  corkscrew  about 
you?"  *'We  don't  'low  no  drinkin'  sperits 
aboa'd  these  cars,  sah,"  was  the  reply. 
*'  'Tain't  that,"  said  the  Yankee,  ''but  I  want 
to  get  hold  onto  one  of  your  pillows  that  has 
kind  of  worked  its  way  into  my  ear. '  * 


It  is  like  the  old  lady,  who  was  traveling  on 
the  underground  railroad  in  London.  Just 
as  they  were  approaching  a  station,  she  said 
to  a  gentleman  in  the  compartment  with  her : 
*'Will  you  assist  me  to  alight  at  this  station, 
sir  ?  I  am,  as  you  see,  rather  stout,  and  I  have 
89 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


a  physical  infirmity  which  makes  it  necessary 
for  me  to  step  out  backward,  and  every  time  I 
try  to  get  out  the  guard  bundles  me  back  into 
the  car,  shouts,  'All  aboard,'  shuts  the  door, 
and  I  have  gone  around  this  line  three  times 
already. ' ' 

We  feel  very  much  as  the  Scotchman  did 
who  entered  the  fish-market.  His  dog,  being 
inquisitive,  investigated  a  basket  of  lobsters, 
and  while  he  was  nosing  about  incautioush% 
one  of  the  lobsters  got  hold  of  his  tail,  where- 
upon he  went  down  the  street  with  the  lobster 
as  a  pendant.  Says  the  man,  ''Whustle  to 
your  dog,  mon. "  "  Xay,  nay,  mon, ' '  quoth  the 
Scotchman,  ''you  whustle  for  your  lobster." 
We  are  in  the  same  position  with  reference  to 
the  age ;  we  say,  whistle  to  the  age ;  we  can  not 
make  it  let  go;  w^e  have  got  to  run.  We  feel 
like  the  little  boy  in  the  asylum,  standing  by 
the  window,  forbidden  to  go  out.  He  said, 
"If  God  were  dead  and  there  were  not  any 
rain,  w^hat  fun  orphan  boys  would  have." 
90 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


I  heard  some  years  ago  the  difference  illus- 
trated between  the  Yankee  and  the  Dutchman. 
There  was  an  explosion  on  a  Mississippi  River 
steamboat;  the  boiler  burst,  and  the  passen- 
gers were  thrown  into  the  air.  After  the  ac- 
cident, the  captain  came  around  to  inquire  in 
regard  to  them,  and  he  found  the  Dutchman, 
but  not  the  Yankee ;  and  he  said  to  the  Dutch- 
man, ''Did  you  see  anything  of  the  Yankee?" 
The  Dutchman  replied,  ''Oh,  yes;  when  I  vas 
going  up,  he  vas  coming  down." 

There  was  a  simple-minded  Irish  priest  I 
have  been  told  of,  who,  having  heard  that  we 
were  descended  from  monkeys,  yet  not  quite 
grasping  the  chronology  of  the  business,  the 
next  time  he  visited  a  menagerie,  gave  par- 
ticular and  patient  attention  to  a  large  cage 
of  our  alleged  poor  relations  on  exhibition 
there.  He  stood  for  a  long  time  intently 
scrutinizing  their  human-like  motions,  ges- 
tures, and  expressions.  By  and  by  he  fancied 
that  the  largest  of  them,  an  individual  of  a 
91 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


singularly  grave  demeanor  seated  at  the  front 
of  the  cage,  gave  him  a  glance  of  intelligence. 
The  glance  was  returned.  A  palpable  wink 
followed,  which  also  was  returned,  as  were 
other  like  signals ;  and  so  it  went  on  until  his 
reverence,  having  cast  an  eye  around  to  see 
that  nobody  was  observing  him,  leaned  for- 
ward and  said,  in  a  low,  confidential  tone: 
''Av  ye '11  spake  one  w-u-r-r-d,  I'll  baptize  ze, 
begorra ! ' ' 

Speaking  of  precocious  children  reminds  me 
that  onlj^  the  other  day  a  fond  father  gave  to 
his  five-year-old  boy  a  copy  of  John  Stuart 
Mills'  ''Political  Economy."  The  boy  looked 
it  over  carefully,  and  then  turning  to  his 
father,  said:  "Father,  why  didn't  you  give 
me  this  years  ago?  It  would  have  changed 
my  whole  life. ' ' 

As  the  Irish  boatman  was  rowing  me  out 
from  Queenstown  to  the  ship,  I  asked  him  if 
any  one  had  ever  been  lost  there.     "Niver!" 
92 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


said  he.    "Me  brother  was  drowned  here  last 
week,  but  we  found  him  next  day ! ' ' 

*'Do  you  stutter  all  the  time?"  one  man 
asked  another.  "No,"  said  he,  "only  wh-wh- 
when  I-I-I  t-t-t-talk ! "  So  it  is  with  me.  The 
only  time  I  can't  talk  is  when  you  ask  me  to 
make  a  speech. 

An  American  attorney  was  addressing  a 
jury  on  behalf  of  a  prisoner. 

"Gentlemen,"  he  said,  "witnesses  have 
sworn  that  they  saw  the  accused  fire  his  gun ; 
they  have  sworn  they  saw  the  flash  and  heard 
the  report;  they  have  sworn  they  saw  Pete 
Jackson  fall  flat;  they  have  sworn  that  this 
bullet  was  extracted  from  Pete  Jackson's 
body;  but,  gentlemen,  in  the  name  of  justice, 
I  ask  you  where  is  the  evidence  that  the  bullet 
hit  Pete  Jackson?" 

A  well-known  English  politician,  famous  for 
his  brilliant  repartee    and    biting    sarcasm, 
93 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


said,  "I  am  here — "  when  he  was  interrupted 
by  a  noisy  man  at  the  back  of  the  hall  who 
said,  ' '  And  so  am  I. "  The  retort  was  as  quick 
as  it  was  overwhelming.  ''Yes — but  you  are 
not  all  there!" 

In  another  speech,  he  asked  his  audience, 
"Wliat  do  our  opponents  really  want?"  In 
the  slight  pause  that  followed  the  question 
there  came  a  voice  husky^  from  the  effects  of 
alcohol,  "What  I  want  is  a  change  of  gov- 
ernment." "Xo,  no,"  was  the  ready  reply; 
"what  you  really  want  is  a  change  of  drink." 

It  is  said  that  the  best  after-dinner  speakers 
in  the  world  are  the  English.  They  are  noted 
for  their  brevity  and  tactfulness.  But  the 
briefest  and  most  tactful  after-dinner  speech 
I  ever  heard  was,  "Look  here,  old  chap,  I'll 
pay  for  this. ' ' 

Speaking  of  our  worthy  chairman,  I  recall 
that  a  lady  once  asked  an  eminent  man  the 
94 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


question,  "How  do  you  grow  old  so  grace- 
fully ? "  To  which  he  made  answer,  ' '  Madam, 
because  I  give  all  my  time  to  it ! " 

The  prisoner  was  up  on  a  charge  of  stealing 
a  pair  of  trousers.  After  hearing  the  evi- 
dence the  judge  directed  the  jury  to  render 
a  verdict  of  ''Not  guilty."  Then  the  judge 
told  the  prisoner  he  could  go.  As  he  didn't 
move,  a  friend  leaned  over  and  Avhispered  to 
him  that  he  was  discharged.  Still  he  didn't 
move,  and  his  friend  again  said  to  him, 
''Didn't  you  hear  what  the  judge  said? 
You're  not  guilty,  so  why  don't  you  go?" 
Then  the  prisoner  whispered  to  him  behind 
his  hand  and  said,  "I  don't  like  to  get  up, 
because  I  have  the  pants  on,  and  I'm  afraid 
the  judge  and  jury  will  see  them." 

Speech-making  is  about  as  difficult  as  the 

story  of  Esau  Wood.     It  is  said  that  Esau 

Wood  sawed  wood.     Esau  Wood  would  saw 

wood.     All  the  wood  Esau  Wood  saw  Esau 

95 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


Wood  would  saw.  In  other  words,  all  the 
wood  Esau  saw  to  saw  Esau  sought  to  saw. 
0,  the  wood  Wood  would  saw!  And 
O,  the  wood-saAV  with  which  Wood  would  saw 
wood!  But  one  day  Wood's  wood-saw  would 
saw  no  wood,  and  thus  the  wood  Wood  sawed 
was  not  the  wood  Wood  would  saw  if  Wood's 
wood-saw  would  saw  wood.  Now,  Wood  would 
saw  with  a  wood-saw  that  would  saw  wood,  so 
Esau  sought  a  saw  that  would  saw  wood.  One 
day  Esau  saw  a  saw  saw  wood  as  no  other 
wood-saw  Wood  saw  would  saw  wood.  In 
fact,  of  all  the  wood-saws  Wood  ever  saw  saw 
wood  Wood  never  saw  a  wood-saw  that  would 
saw  wood  as  the  wood-saw  Wood  saw  saw 
wood  would  saw  w^ood,  and  I  never  saw^  a 
wood-saw  that  would  saw  as  the  wood-saw 
Wood  saw  would  saw  until  I  saw  Esau  Wood 
saw  wood  with  the  wood-saw  Wood  saw  saw 
wood.  Now  Wood  saws  wood  with  the  wood- 
saw  Wood  saw  saw  wood.  0,  the  wood  Wood 's 
wood-saw  would  saw  when  Wood  would  saw 
wood  with  the  wood-saw  Wood  saw  saw  wood ! 
96 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


Finally,  no  man  may  ever  know  how  much 
wood  the  wood-saw  Wood  saw  would  saw,  if 
the  wood-saw  Wood  saw  would  saw  all  the 
wood  the  wood-saw  Wood  saw  would  saw. 

Little  Ikey  was  sent  by  his  mother  to  the 
dentist  to  have  a  tooth  extracted.  When 
Ikey  came  home  at  night  his  mother  asked 
him,  ' '  Veil,  my  boy,  did  he  hurt  you  much  ? ' ' 
*'No,"  said  Ikey;  ''not  very  much,  he  only 
charged  me  a  quvarter." 

The  speech  of  the  gentleman  who  has  just 
sat  down  makes  me  think  of  one  I  heard  some 
time  ago  on  "Prosperity,"  when  the  speaker 
eloquently  said:  "Has  it  ever  occurred  to 
you,  Mr.  Chairman,  that  the  cotton  cloth  made 
in  South  Carolina  annually  would  make  a 
sheet  big  enough  to  cover  the  entire  face  of 
America  and  Europe  and  lap  over  the  toes  of 
Asia?  Or,  if  all  the  cattle  she  raises  each 
year  were  one  cow,  she  could  browse  on  tho 
tropical  vegetation  along  the  equator,  while 
97 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


her  tail  switched  icicles  off  the  North 
Pole,  and  that  her  milk  could  float  a 
shipload  of  butter  and  cheese  from  Charles- 
ton to  New  York?  Or,  if  all  the  mules  we 
market  each  year  were  one  mule,  it  would 
consume  the  entire  annual  corn  crop  of  North 
Carolina  at  one  meal,  and  kick  the  spots  off 
the  sun  without  swelling  its  sides  or  shaking 
its  tail?  Or,  if  the  hogs  we  raise  annually 
were  one  hog,  that  animal  would  dig  the 
Panama  Canal  in  three  roots  without  grunt- 
ing, and  its  squeal  would  be  loud  enough  to 
jar  the  coconuts  off'  the  trees  along  the  Canal 
Zone." 

When  Lincoln  was  criticized  by  a  deputation 
sent  to  call  on  him,  he  said:  "Gentlemen, 
suppose  all  the  property  you  were  worth  was 
in  gold,  and  you  had  put  it  in  the  hands  of 
Blondin  to  carry  across  Niagara  River  on  a 
rope;  would  you  shake  the  cable  and  keep 
shouting  to  him,  'Blondin,  stand  up  a  little 
straighter — Blondin,  stoop  a  little  more — go  a 
98 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


little  faster — lean  a  little  more  to  the  north — 
lean  a  little  more  to  the  south?'  No,  you 
would  hold  your  breath  as  well  as  your 
tongue,  and  keep  your  hands  off  until  he  was 
safe  over.  The  Government  is  carrying  an 
immense  weight.  Untold  treasures  are  in  our 
hands.  We  are  doing  the  very  best  we  can. 
Don't  badger  us.  Keep  quiet,  and  we  will 
get  you  safe  across. ' ' 

**What  I  want,"  said  the  speaker,  *'is  re- 
form. I  want  tax  reform,  I  want  police  re- 
form, I  want  social  reform,  I  want  tem- 
perance reform,  I  want — I  want — "  "What 
you  want,"  called  out  a  listener  at  the  back 
of  the  hall,  ''what  you  want  is  chloroform." 

The  embarrassment  of  the  speaker  on  the 
other  side  of  this  question  makes  me  think  of 
the  man  at  the  roller-skating-rink  who  was 
down  on  his  hands  and  knees  while  the  other 
skaters  were  in  constant  danger  of  falling 
over  him.  He  was  evidently  searching  for 
99 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


something  he  had  lost  on  the  floor.  Finally, 
some  one  ventured  to  ask  him  what  it  was. 
*'I  have  lost,"  said  he,  *'a  piece  of  toffy." 
*'Well,"  said  the  other  man,  "never  mind  a 
little  thing  like  that.  Don't  you  see  that 
you're  disturbing  the  whole  crowd?"  "Yes," 
said  the  man  on  the  floor,  "but,  you  see,  my 
teeth  are  in  it." 


The  remarks  made  by  my  opponent  are 
about  as  sensible  as  the  exercise  we  were  given 
to  memorize  in  school,  which  ran  like  this: 
"So  she  went  into  the  garden  to  cut  a  cab- 
bage-leaf, to  make  an  apple-pie;  and  at  the 
same  time  a  great  she-bear,  coming  up  the 
street,  pops  its  head  into  the  shop.  'What? 
No  soap.'  So  he  died,  and  she  very  im- 
prudently married  the  barber  and  there  were 
present  the  Picaninnies,  and  the  Joblillies,  and 
the  Gracelies,  and  the  grand  Panjandrum  him- 
self, with  the  little  round  button  at  top;  and 
they  all  fell  to  playing  the  game  of  catch  as 
100 


STORIES  THAT  TAKE 


catch  can,  till  the  gunpowder  ran  out  at  the 
heels  of  their  boots. ' ' 

All  this  talking  we  have  been  listening  to 
makes  me  think  of  a  celebrated  will  case  in 
which  an  Irishman  was  the  principal  witness. 
''Was  the  deceased,"  asked  the  lawyer,  ''in 
the  habit  of  talking  to  himself  when  alone?" 
"I  don't  Imow,"  was  the  reply.  "Come, 
come,  you  don't  know,  and  yet  you  pretend 
that  you  were  intimately  acquainted  w4th 
him?"  "Yes,"  said  the  witness  slowly, 
"that's  so,  but,  you  see,  I  never  happened  to 
be  with  him  when  he  was  alone." 


101 


,  ,r  CQI ITHFRN  REGIONAL  L''BRAPY^AC'L;Ty^_ 


B     000  012  103     8 


